Last week I had a nightmare about killing myself. Seemed like strangle was the best option. I saw in my dream how I put a tie-wrap on my neck and how I tighted it. When I woke up, it felt like my neck was pinched. I couldn’t breathe well and swallow was also difficult. I haven’t told anyone about my dream. The whole week I was thinking about committing suicide and I really had the urge to do it. Also I had the urge to strangle myself. Last week I had several times that I had that urge and that I wrapped my hands around my neck and tried to strangle myself. I know I wouldn’t die that way, that it’s almost unpossible, but the feeling that it gives me is just such a good feeling and relief… Feels like I’m almost there, I’m almost at the point to go away, to be gone, dead….
stangulation is a very human death. i have a video where i go unconscious with partial suspension hanging in about 20 seconds with just a little pressure down in the rope… if i go down with more weight its more fast… how i survived i will never understand. i didnt want to die at the day, just test it… stand up right before unconscious sets in… wasnt possible… but how do you feel when you think on death? the 4 ever nothing…. :O i feel strange… on the one side i wanna be dead, on the other not… strange feeling, and the instinct of life holds me back all time…
When I think about death/suicide/killing myself it’s giving me a kind of relief, I’m getting calm. But at the same time I feel guilty, because I hurt my parents and other people if I commit suicide. And that’s also the reason why I haven’t commit suicide yet. Because I don’t want my parents to be sad, won’t hurt people and I don’t want to be selfish.