I’m 23. It’s been 3months since I’ve registered at this site. 6 months in depression. I won’t bother to type my story again since I’m tired of telling it. All that needs to be known is that I’m tired and sick of it all. I failed so many times and so many people. I failed myself as well. I should have bettered myself, I could have. Would, should, could. I’m tired of everything. The past 6 months has been nothing but darkness and sadness. It’s already been half a year, and I have gotten no where.. I’m trying my best to better myself, to keep myself occupied. I went back to the gym for a bit and then stop again because I don’t have it in me anymore. I’m going to counseling. I’m taking driving courses to get my license, I don’t even care for it but I am doing it. I’m done with trying. I’m done. I know I will hurt people if I plan on leaving this planet, but honestly, I just can’t take it anymore. The only peace I get is when I’m asleep not dreaming. At night all I feel is rage for all I’ve done, in the morning, I wake up and it begins again. I haven’t had a good day in a long time. I don’t care about video games or browsing the internet. As I grew older, those became weightless that they cannot fill the void that’s inside me, and it doesn’t help that the fact that void gets bigger with each month, and it hurts inside. I’ve taken a lot for granted and now it’s too late to correct those. I’ve let go but the pain still festers and it doesn’t seem to subside. It’s not that I don’t deserve to live, it’s just that I don’t want to anymore. I hear on the news that some young people die everyday, my age or younger. These people are said to have had a bright future and many friends, why do they die if they accomplish and hold life very valuable when people like me, the ones who take it for granted, the losers like me who really have nothing to look forward too, are alive? It may sound like I envy them, I don’t because these people could have done so much more better than me who has no will. I give up honestly. I’m just tired and I’m fed up, frustrated with every fucking thing! I have a family who loves me but I can’t bear to be alive one more day. I just can’t do it anymore. Missed opportunities, relationships that I was too ignorant to put in the effort to make better, chances to change and to progress. I will admit this to the world..
I should have been better person. I should have put in everything to be the best I could have been. I am sorry I didn’t.
I ran from my problems and they rolled after me getting bigger as I grew sore from running. Now these problems are crushing me slowly that I can’t breathe without feeling trapped. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a superhero. Then you realize super powers don’t exist, which is not a big deal because you grow up, so then your left with hero. But then sometimes, you grow up to be opposite of a hero, either a nobody or a villain. I failed somewhere.. I’m just an irrelevant ghost who is trapped in the vicious cycle and tormented by past demons that I ran from. I don’t harbor hate towards no one but me. I am my own enemy and soon, me, myself, and I, will cease to exist. The sad, meaningless saga called my life will come to an end. I’m sorry for not trying hard enough. I’m sorry for not being the best person people told me I was. I’m sorry I didn’t believe them. I’m sorry I failed them. I’m so sorry that I’m a screw up. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when I should have been. I’m sorry I don’t care to see my future. You don’t have to forgive me, because I can’t bring myself to forgive me.
I am sorry.
4 comments
Looking at your posts you seem to be feeling like I do. Even though I’m much older. Life has run out of steam. Being so young I hope you can find a better solution but understand your feelings.
After dealing with it for this long, I honestly give up on finding a solution. I should be out There having fun and such and such. I did it for a while and somewhere down the line, I fucked up. I’ve pushed everyone away. I don’t want to do it anymore, I’m done fighting especially when I lose most of the time. They can tell me I gets better or to be patient or life is worth living but in the end of the day, I go to sleep feeling like shit and I wake up feeling like shit. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. We both know what people our ages, age group, are doing. We are two individuals from different generations and ages who are writing their misery on a site like this. Yo are older so you’ve been there and seen it, sir, so have I.
“If you believe suicide will bring you peace (or at the very least just an end to everything you hate) you are displaying self-caring behavior. You are still able to actively seek solutions to your problems. You are willing to go to great lengths to provide what you believe will be soothing to yourself.. This strikes me as optimistic.â€
― Augusten Burroughs
It seems so rarely written that I’d like to put it down here: that it’s probably okay for those of us who’ve been suffering every blessed day for decades, it’s okay to go ahead and help nature along. Others will accept our apologies or to Hell with them one day they’ll be on the ropes themselves.
Thanks for sharing a part of your story driftz86 may peace be with you.
Thank you driftz86 for sharing and I’m not sure if you’re still around but if you are I feel 100% the same. I’ve done so many bad things but at the same time I feel like a life preserver for those around me which has become water logged. Nothing brings joy. Not even sex and I never got to enjoy my young years. I’m now 33 and don’t want to see what troubles come my way as an older person knowing that I’ll regret not doing this sooner to avert the inevitable. God speed my friend. Your words will echo forever.