False Hope

Today I told myself every thing’s okay, and that if I don’t think about the future it will stay that way longer. Why do I give myself false hope. Why am I still trying. I know hope is lost so why am I faking. You know what one of the worst feelings is? The feeling that someone could be dead or someone could die and it’s all your fault. When people say I’m going to kill myself because of you. That’s not okay. I was in a relationship where several times the other person said goodbye and that they were not going to be alive the next day and it was all because of me. Someone just told methat they have been crying a long time because of me and the started self harming again. Because I tried to be nice? Because I didn’t know how to be honest with out hurting her? I just don’t understand. Why can’t people just agree. When you want to kill yourself or you attempt don’t tell someone it’s their fault. They will have to live with that pain and the guilt. I personally wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Because it sucks. Luckily the person I know is still alive but I’ve lost all respect for them. But I still feel guilty, what did I do wrong. I hate myself. Why can’t I just do everything right? what goes wrong in the times I fuck up? Why? I feel loneliness creeping up behind me. It rained tonight. I really enjoy rain. I don’t know if it’s the smell of the way it looks but to me it’s perfect. I feel like I have nothing and almost no one. but what does that matter I’m just one person insignificant to the world as a whole. I mean nothing. I am nothing but false hope.