Had a nasty argument with my mom today…. actually it was not an argument coz she just kept mum most of the time…. i am frustrated and i took it all out on her… i know i should not have done it…. i feel guilty… but guilt and remorse after the damage is done is such a waste of time… if there is another hell, i should be condemned to it for all eternity for being such an ungrateful person.
I wish i could fast forward my life to the very last hour and just die… without being able to look back and see what a huge disappointment i was…
I know i keep saying the same shit over and over again but that’s because my life is so hollow….. i wish i could have a strong unwavering faith in something that would help me face life and all its madness with calm and control… the demons of chaos were brought forth from within me and now the angels of peace and order waits to be molded and released into my world…. wish they would sweep away the dark clouds with beautiful white wings…. and bring new light and fragrance into this dark mouldy existence of mine…
Or i could just die… of heart attack maybe… all i need to do is eat eat and eat…. i do when i am depressed… so if i eat a lot and build up my cholesterol levels i might actually die… that is if i don’t end up having a stroke and being paralyzed instead….
5 comments
You just need something to believe in and work towards.
I used my guilt to stop being suicidal. I am still struggling but I have found stuff to believe in such as improving myself to be a nicer and stronger person. Some people embrace religion. I make up stories and pretend I am in a different world.
My ultimate goal is to become a successful person so I can leave my family and stuff that caused my initial suicidal thoughts.
What caused your feelings? If you work against that cause, it could help you grow out of your suicidal thoughts.
@Tobeornottobe: I hope this isn’t hurtful to read, but I liked your post. I feel some of those very things. I especially like the part about fast forwarding to the last hour and not being able to look back & reflect, but rather just expiring (painlessly). I hear about coping skills all the time–from therapists, from doctors, from teachers… I don’t have them, or mine are very bad.
Anyhow, I’m feeling really bad right now so can’t express what I’m feeling other than that I really enjoyed your writing. Thanks you for making my day a little better. Peace to you.
I feel the same way you do. But I’ve heard that there is hope in this world for us. It may take time to find, but it’s supposed there. I’m here, if you don’t want to go through this alone.
i really wish i could….. good luck to you … hope that you will become successful and be able to leave behind all the cause of your sorrow…
i am truly glad if i could make your day a little better… when you said that you felt better reading the stuff i wrote it made me smile…. thanks for that…. i guess that is exactly what each one of us come here for… people who can understand what each of us are going through… hope you are able to cope up with your problems… coz even when i say i want to die i wish i could have a good life… hold on to life…. it might just surprise us …. in a good way hopefully….