Hey someone texted me to talk…im here

I’m not good with favorites in general, and with Pantera in particular, i like so many of their songs, i don’t even know how to begin to choose a “favorite.” I love Dime’s entire approach to guitar, the riffs, the grooves, the squeals, and Phil is just a beast on vocals.

Some of my favorites* would have to be… Floods, Shedding Skin, Throes of Rejection, 5 minutes, Hollow, I’ll Cast A Shadow… i like almost everything of theirs, which favorites i pick probably depends on my mood.

One of my older cousins introduced me to Metallica at a very young age, even before the black album happened.

There was a time i could play pretty much every metallica song they recorded in E tuning (except for the crazy one-off solos that not even they could pull off live). Shortest Straw was one of my favorites of theirs… but their instrumentals are amazing, to me.

I was tempted to make a “short list” of my favorite metal bands, but then i realized it would be pretty long, and i’d likely forget some.

Metallica, Pantera, Slayer, Megadeth, Disturbed, Meshuggah… Also like Tool, Deftones, AIC, Queens of the Stone Age, RATM… i know i’m forgetting some.

I haven’t been listening to music lately though. I got to a point where music itself was a “trigger,” i guess because everything i hear seems to remind me of shit i don’t want to think about.

I did hear something cool recently from outside my usual genres, called “the algorhythm.” I don’t even know how to classify it. lol. It’s like… experimental electronica metal with video game computer sounds, or something. It’s crazy and i found it interesting.

Also, since Pantera was mentioned, there’s this guy on youtube who does lots of awesome pantera and damageplan covers, nails every damned one of them, and his name is Kenny Giron. I’ve not seen anyone do it better, or even come close. He also does some tool and some others i think you’ll like, and even has some originals up. Definitely worth some views. I mean, if you’re into watching “regular people” play guitar like the pros do it. 🙂

I can surely appreciate some SRV, but i don’t hear it often. My step-dad used to listen to SRV constantly, which sort of ruined it for me in some ways. APC is awesome too. And while i do appreciate some good Bob Marley moments, i don’t own any of his music. I left out Soundgarden from my little list before. I like Eminem’s earlier stuff. James Brown always brings a smile. How about this Watsky kid? Heard of him yet?

Yeah… i can’t remember exactly which search lead me here, but something landed me on the “metanoia” page, which i found more accurate and compassionate than pretty much any other “suicide resource” ever, which ultimately lead me here. Started reading, encountered the story of letmesleep, signed up…

My life is pretty much fucked. I’ve spent countless hours trying to hone it into a neat, concise little blurb, but there’s just so much nuance that gets missed that way… and i just don’t have the energy or focus to put my entire life story into words. Maybe i don’t even want anyone to know me THAT well. So maybe “who i am” just can’t make sense to most people.

There’s a war inside me. I want to live, but not “this way,” and when i scour the source for solutions, i feel there are none which will have results worth enduring and striving for… and so i sort of fluctuate between a wild-eyed determination to obliterate all resistance, and a sort of zen-like acceptance of what seems will be my most likely fate: persist until i can’t, then check out. I know people won’t understand, no matter how hard i try, or how accurately i might be able to explain.

Sometimes i’m so angry about “things,” that i can’t physically carry it anymore, and i collapse, exhausted… but then i get sad, which is far worse. After that i sort of space out and go numb for a while, until i get angry again and restart the cycle.

The idea is that i need to catch myself on the up-swing of anger, so that i have energy to channel into productive activities and corrective measures, but after so many years of being worn to nothing, repeatedly pushed past my breaking points from the stress of anger and everything else, it escapes too quickly, and hits too hard, and i just feel broken most of the time, instead of being able to channel my anger into production.

I feel worn out, and i didn’t even live that hard, or do that much. I watch time pass by unused and just… i feel something i can’t describe. Like a combination of astonishment and vindication. Like i’m surprised that it was all pretty much what i expected would be. Surprised and not surprised… like “huh. Figures…”

I can’t help but find humor in the bleakness.

It’s like i’m the only one who knows it’s over and it’s not going to get better… but sharing that freaks people out, who can’t understand, and won’t know how to respond… and won’t be able to do anything anyway.

Some days i feel like i’m ready to wreck shit and make stuff happen, but most of the time i just see obstacles and lost time spend hassling with things i can’t seem to efficiently get over or around or under, or even through.

I don’t want a life that sucks. I value life and see it as generally “worth it,” but i can’t stand all this wasted time and arbitrarily excess suffering.

It’s like… i can’t get anything i want, or even what i need, without sacrificing all the chances to get any of it. So, even if i make those sacrifices, the results won’t be what i want, what i need, or even anything sustainable. It’ll just be another extravagant diversion and lots of wasted time and energy on something i already knew wouldn’t work out.

So… idk.

I guess i came here and made some comments and felt like interacting with other people who understand the depths of my despair, if only through their own experiences, might be better than refusing to interact with anyone… being profoundly lonely, but preferring isolation over the few people i know IRL.

I also can’t deny that i like the blue color scheme a little more than i initially thought i would.