I can’t tell you (i’ve long since lost count) how many times i’ve imagined just thrusting the nearest reasonably sharp instrument into my carotid artery, and giving it my best yank/rip, and just letting it all end.
On an abstractly related note:
i was calculating earlier today, that i suppose it takes about 3 seconds to process one complete death ideation.
I’m here
I act
I’m gone
There have been days where i’ve died a thousand deaths per hour, in my mind, all day and all night, into the wee hours, or even just not slept, because i was so amped up from thinking about doing it, and wondering if maybe “right now” was my moment.
The knife, the gun, the rope…
There’s a train not far from here, i hear the horn almost daily, and my dog does the most adorable howling-along, ever, along with the rest of the neighborhood dogs.
Sometimes i feel like i won’t even have to do it. I sometimes feel worrisome chest pains (only almost 33, but have had many years of both intense and prolonged stress), sometimes it feels arrhythmic, other times it races inexplicably, sometimes it POUNDS, like being kicked in the chest, but at a normal or slightly slowed pace, and other times it feels normal but seems slow or weak.
So, maybe i’ll just die, without having to do anything special. I certainly can’t get medical care. At least, not in a timely or affordable manner.
IDK. Either way, we’ll all die someday, whether sooner or later, on purpose or not.
I don’t really want my life to end. I just want my profoundly negative and agonizing experiences to cease. I don’t want to live *this way,* but that’s not to say that i do not want to live *at all,* in any way.
I think i would rather appreciate “the good life,” or “a decent life,” likely more than the average, typical person. But instead, i have this extremely shitty life, in which i imagine killing myself thousands of times per day, because of how miserable i am, and because i still haven’t found ACCESS to any of the better solutions that i know can exist, do exist, and are available for others (some, if not all).
Somehow, most of my thoughts today were related to free will.
Whether you will to live, or will to die, you Will.
The best options might not be available, but you can decide to choose to do whatever you want, instead of letting other people obstruct whatever would make you feel better.
Of course, being the cynic that i am, i’m guessing that as soon as i find a way to “love my life,” something beyond my control will ruin it for me. The trend has spoken, and i predict vindication at the hands of a merciless fate (superfluous, i suppose, to say that fate is “merciless,” since fate can’t really be anything else, since fate can’t feel mercy.).
In all honesty, i’m not “living” any kind of life. I am only continuing to exist, because a few people have insisted i try, and i can’t help but feel instinctively compelled to cling to the attachments i’ve formed, and maintain what cannot be sustained, in this ultimately temporary, fleeting existence.
For far too long, i have allowed others to choose events which affect me.
But today… i was feeling like it’s time to say FUCK EVERYONE ELSE, i’m going to do what I WANT, and just completely mow-over anyone who makes the mistake of obstructing my way.
There was an old saying i’ve heard 1000 times:
“Where there’s a Will, there’s a Way…”
And i always thought it seemed so trite and gaudy…
But i think The Will, *IS* “the way.”
You have to Will It.
You have to decide it’s your choice, and choose, and smash through anything anyone is foolish enough to cast into your path.
The Will is The Way.
Since the possibility of death is already on the table… since death is at stake… what is there to lose? Do what you want, as hard as you can, and if you die, you die.
But since you’re alive to want and do, you might as well do what you want, until you can’t. Right?
3 comments
I can’t tell you (i’ve long since lost count) how many times i’ve imagined just thrusting the nearest reasonably sharp instrument into my carotid artery, and giving it my best yank/rip, and just letting it all end.
On an abstractly related note:
i was calculating earlier today, that i suppose it takes about 3 seconds to process one complete death ideation.
I’m here
I act
I’m gone
There have been days where i’ve died a thousand deaths per hour, in my mind, all day and all night, into the wee hours, or even just not slept, because i was so amped up from thinking about doing it, and wondering if maybe “right now” was my moment.
The knife, the gun, the rope…
There’s a train not far from here, i hear the horn almost daily, and my dog does the most adorable howling-along, ever, along with the rest of the neighborhood dogs.
Sometimes i feel like i won’t even have to do it. I sometimes feel worrisome chest pains (only almost 33, but have had many years of both intense and prolonged stress), sometimes it feels arrhythmic, other times it races inexplicably, sometimes it POUNDS, like being kicked in the chest, but at a normal or slightly slowed pace, and other times it feels normal but seems slow or weak.
So, maybe i’ll just die, without having to do anything special. I certainly can’t get medical care. At least, not in a timely or affordable manner.
IDK. Either way, we’ll all die someday, whether sooner or later, on purpose or not.
Might as well just treat it like a carnival ride.
When life trolls you, troll back! (or something)
I imagine killing myself probably 5,000 times a day. What kind of a life am I living? This isn’t life is it?
Exactly.
I don’t really want my life to end. I just want my profoundly negative and agonizing experiences to cease. I don’t want to live *this way,* but that’s not to say that i do not want to live *at all,* in any way.
I think i would rather appreciate “the good life,” or “a decent life,” likely more than the average, typical person. But instead, i have this extremely shitty life, in which i imagine killing myself thousands of times per day, because of how miserable i am, and because i still haven’t found ACCESS to any of the better solutions that i know can exist, do exist, and are available for others (some, if not all).
Somehow, most of my thoughts today were related to free will.
Whether you will to live, or will to die, you Will.
The best options might not be available, but you can decide to choose to do whatever you want, instead of letting other people obstruct whatever would make you feel better.
Of course, being the cynic that i am, i’m guessing that as soon as i find a way to “love my life,” something beyond my control will ruin it for me. The trend has spoken, and i predict vindication at the hands of a merciless fate (superfluous, i suppose, to say that fate is “merciless,” since fate can’t really be anything else, since fate can’t feel mercy.).
In all honesty, i’m not “living” any kind of life. I am only continuing to exist, because a few people have insisted i try, and i can’t help but feel instinctively compelled to cling to the attachments i’ve formed, and maintain what cannot be sustained, in this ultimately temporary, fleeting existence.
For far too long, i have allowed others to choose events which affect me.
But today… i was feeling like it’s time to say FUCK EVERYONE ELSE, i’m going to do what I WANT, and just completely mow-over anyone who makes the mistake of obstructing my way.
There was an old saying i’ve heard 1000 times:
“Where there’s a Will, there’s a Way…”
And i always thought it seemed so trite and gaudy…
But i think The Will, *IS* “the way.”
You have to Will It.
You have to decide it’s your choice, and choose, and smash through anything anyone is foolish enough to cast into your path.
The Will is The Way.
Since the possibility of death is already on the table… since death is at stake… what is there to lose? Do what you want, as hard as you can, and if you die, you die.
But since you’re alive to want and do, you might as well do what you want, until you can’t. Right?