Im ready for all this to end

I have 2 kids, an intensely stressful career, just got married 2 weeks ago to my best friend. My soulmate… yet I still yearn for an ending. It seems so much more pleasant than dealing with the bs here. I drink to medicate. Then get angry and depressed when drunk. I wake up everyday hating the fact that I have to drag through another day. I want help but Im afraid I will lose my kids, marriage, job. I dont know what to do. Im suffering… have been for years. Horrible abuse as a child, bad relatiomships, past substance abuse. I really need help for the sake of my children. I have no idea what to do? Any suggestions, please?