I’m sick of it all!!!!

I was 12 when I attempted to take my life. I didn’t like myself and my self worth was based on what others thought of me and then that turned south. As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I had another skeleton in my closet that I couldn’t even begin to come to terms with at that age. All I knew what that I hated myself and felt that this was the consensus of what others thought of me too. I was different as different could be. I OD on pills. As I was waiting for them to do their job. I remember how everything around me became so real. I began noticing things that I never noticed before. Like how beautiful the clouds were on a blue sky just floating by. I noticed the animals we had, I noticed the smell of things too, the grass. It was so many years ago but I believe God heightened my awareness because during this time I began to think how I would miss these things and began to think of that box in the ground where I would be never to see the sun again. I had been to the funeral of a cousin who died while a teenager when I was younger. He had a heart defect and died while playing basketball. I thought of all this and decided that I wanted to live. I told my mom and she raced me to the ER and I got my stomach pumped in time. I remember that hose going up my nose and how uncomfortable it was. A few years before that I was with the neighbor kid who was a little older than me. He just got an over and under shotgun from his dad and he had the gun and ammo in his room and wanted to show it to me. He did. He loaded it and wanted to show me how he could switch barrels so it wouldn’t fire. After he loaded one shell he pointed it square at my chest and pulled the trigger. Click. Then he pointed it at the corner of his bed and pulled the trigger again and it went off taking out his corner bed post and putting a nice sized hole in the wall. From those experiences and many more, I have come to realize that I was meant to be here. I was created for a reason. I have a purpose for living. Yes, I have made many mistakes and through God’s grace I am forgiven for them. But I am thankful that gun never killed me. I am thankful that I found the will to live when I needed it the most. It has taken me years to come to grips with the sexual abuse but I have and have forgiven and moved on. It has taken me time also to realize that I am very different than all the rest and that is okay. I like who I am and what I have become and someday you will to. Look to the author of your story as he knows how your life could be if only you take your broken heart to him and ask for help. So many more stories to tell but I wish you well and please do stick around. Those people who are mean to you won’t be around you all your life. After you get through your teen years, you have more freedom to choose the type of people you want to be around. Don’t let people push your buttons. When you do you give up your power and you become their puppet. Their words however hurtful are their words and filter out the good from the foolish and hurtful. If you can learn that then you will have more peace. I am glad you posted. That is a start.