Suicide. That thing that describes the action that people want to take upon themselves, to end ones life. To get away from there problems, there thoughts, there own personal hell that they created. This action has crossed my mind many times. I’ve recently been diagnosed with chrons disease, and the physical and mental torture that comes with that is too much. I had suicidal thoughts before this, and when added its becoming a struggle. 6 months before i went to Dr.s to get it checked out i would experience extreme stomach area pain, everyday, all day. When they diagnosed me with it they prescribed medication. 6 pills a day, these giant capsules that reminded me of horsepills. Unfortunately the pain increased, i would wake up in the middle of the night in pain, not daring to move for fear that it would become worse. I’ll cry and beg for someone, whatever god that’s out there, to end my life. The pain would get so bad during the day that i would stop and double over, working through the pain. When i told the Dr. about this he put me on steroids, 8 a day on top of my 6. Plus my 2 iron pills since chrons made me anemic. Oh those damn steroids fucked me up. It increased my pain yet again. By now you think i would be use to it, but this pain robbed me of my breath. When it would happen at school it was so damn difficult to hide it in front of my friends, the steroids made it impossible. Teachers would embarrassingly stop there teaching to ask if i was ok, if i needed anything. It feels like I’m dieing slowly, really. It scares me how much pain this brings. Oh god it hurts. I filled up my toilet bowl with blood for the first time a month ago too. That hurt SSSOOO bad, that scared me too. I had to go to the E.R. My mom cries in the night for me, i can hear her begging God to give it to her instead, to save her baby from all this pain. I’m making my mom cry too. I also had a reaction to the steroids, it caused acne’s along my neck, back, shoulders, and upper chest. You can imagine that teenage me already had low self esteem, so this just tipped me over. I can’t even look in the mirror. I look so fuckin ugly now. My friends think im the prettiest person, my boyfriend thinks im gorgeous, he even says he cant believe im so perfect. The only person I have to convince is myself and obviously i don’t think very much of myself so what everyone else says doesn’t affect me. I’ve thought about cutting myself, but that will leave scars that people will notice. I have little kids and teenagers who look up to me. I can’t be weak. Suicide. What would they do if that person they looked up to, who they thought was so strong killed herself because it was too much for her? I cant be selfish. How i wish i was though. Theirs so much more that i go through that i wont bother telling you about, since I’ve wrote so much already. I don’t complain to anyone about this, why should i? Its not there burden, and secondly there’s always someone out there who has it worse. I keep this in mind constantly. So I’m alone in this confusing, dark place. I don’t want to be alone. Why has no one noticed? Why does no one see? I’m not going to tell them, so maybe its my own fault so i really shouldn’t complain. Whenever i get that feeling in my chest like an octopus in the center, wrapping its tentacles around my whole torso. A black blob that’s crushing me. Its dragging me down. I believe this is my “depressed” feelings. It makes you want to go in a corner, bundle your arms around you, somewhere no one can find you, anywhere you can be alone, isolated, blasting your music. You want to explode, to send all that energy inside somewhere but you cant. You just keep it there, smoldering. Its killing you. This is the feeling that makes suicide possible. All these thoughts, all these things that go against me, trying to push me over that edge. My responsibilities wont let me be pushed.
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Look, you shouldn’t have to put up with pain just for others. And maybe it might help to tell ssomeone? I don’t know. I don’t think you’re a burden to people even though you believe you are. People don’t notice when you don’t let them know, but it’s not your fault because it’s not as though the world needs to know your private life. You don’t have to blame yourself for what you feel. God seriously! If I was in pain all day and every day, yeah I’d think of dying too.
Don’t worry you’re not selfish. The doctors are selfish because they’re not helping you relieve your pain really are they? If they cared so much about people, they’d do anything they could to help out, and as a last resort they’d use assisted euthanasia. We euthanise our pets when we can’t help them, because we don’t want them to suffer. Religious people say it’s ok because they don’t have as much to offer as we do. That’s just an excuse to believe in religion. Don’t worry about those fads believe me. Maybe you could go back to the doctor and tell him that what he has done isn’t working. And you should definitely talk to your Mum! From what you wrote about here, to me she seems to be a caring person, someone who would rather do everything to help you first, before considering euthanasia options. All she wants is for you to have less suffering so you can try to get back to a normal life.
I don’t know what else to say other than that I feel bad for you in this situation I really have no idea really. But yeah, try talking to someone please! Usually people want to be helpful, and I’m assuming that in your case, there has to be someone who can help. Good luck and I hope you can find a way to feel better soon, although soon seems to far away right now! So long as you’ve got someone around to help you, things won’t be totally fine but if you look at all your options and explain to your doctor that you’re still in too much pain to function properly, then things do eventually get better. If things don’t work out, then I don’t know what you’ll do. But I think your Mum is the best person to speak too, she’ll fight for you if she sees that your options aren’t making you better.
There’s a good book on Crohn’s disease called “Patient, Heal Thyself” by Jordan Rubin (could probably be found at health food stores or maybe Amazon). It’s kind of a natural remedy kind of book, but supposedly gets excellent results. It’s something the author came up with on his own, since he has Crohn’s disease himself (the before and after pictures of him on the cover are stunning). Maybe it can help you.
ill try anything at this point, so thank you very much, and maybe i will tell someone. That just seems like a lot of courage to do that though. Thanks for your ideas, i appreciate it
Suffering brings about different results for different people whether we suffer in our flesh or our minds. It is still suffering. I don’t believe everything doctors have to tell me because it is all based on what they see. People of faith don’t give into everything we see. But suffering for me has led me to trust in God more so than I ever had. I was suffering from infections that the doctors could not explain but only treat. There treatments led to amputations of parts of my body. But I reached the point where being so tired and wore out from all the burdens I was carrying, I finally gave up and said okay God, your way now. Not mine. Since that day the infections have left if I stayed obedient to him. No more infections that the doctors couldn’t explain, with the last one being very bad, MRSA. I was having them repeatedly over a few years and now they are gone. My last physical, my doctor was so pleased with me. All my levels were perfect and I lost a lot of weight that I didn’t need. He was so pleased with me and said whatever you are doing, keep it up. Good health is a blessing and one that he promises us if we stay obedient to him. That word obedience. A word that hung me up for so long because of what it implies. Letting go of our selfish will which we all have. I have to do this daily as it is a battle in my mind to let go of myself so his will and Spirit can flow through me. My words are not popular here because I speak of faith. If you want to read a book that will help you. Read the Life’s Teachings of Smith Wigglesworth. He was a faith filled preacher that lived in the first half of the last century. Sometimes I write about this faith that I have and the reaction is so very negative and I have come to the conclusion that we are only able to accept what we are willing to receive. Free will and choice we have. My prayers are with you Ashley. He is willing to hear yours this day.