Since I was the age of 15 (I’m 23 now) I have had various suicide attempts, each time either I fucked up at the last minute or the police intervene. I’ve been to psychologist, psychiatrist, specialists, councilors and been admitted to a mental health faculty. The past 3 years have been the hardest to cope with. I’ve tried getting help, but got nowhere. I get the feeling society wants me to kill myself (and I don’t blame it).
What shits me is that these attempts are quite life threatening, yet no-one has ever diagnosed me with a condition other than anxenity, but each time I’m talking with doctors they say “it’s more than anxenity”. I’ve been refused to be medicated on the excuse that I was a heroin addict (18 months clean) and prescription pills may turn me into a addict again. Only recently has the suggestion that my problem maybe a cyst or tumor in the brain. I’m currently on a waiting list to get a MRI scan done. Deep down I’m hoping for a tumor as a dignified death without being remembered as “coward” for taking my own life.
I used to own a small business which I closed 1 years ago, it did quite a good turnover until the economy went to shit. Since then I’ve struggled to find work, As of 3 months ago I was taken off welfare payments because of a “clerical error”. So now I don’t have any income other than pawning my stuff or collecting scrap metal from bins..
To be honest, I don’t really want people telling me “it’s going to be ok” and “I’m here to talk to”. My mind is made up that somehow I will die in the near future.
I don’t know why I am posting this…. other than somewhere in the world it’s written down that I can’t handle being alive anymore.
1 comment
You post it because we don’t judge you. Life’s a ***** otherwise we wouldn’t be here. I’m the same age as you. We should be enjoying the fact of being young, but sadly we aren’t because of our personal issues that we so desperately want to defeat. Maybe you have had it worse than me, maybe vice versa. I don’t know you or your story but all I know is you’re in pain. I understand what pain is. Truthfully, I am tired of people singing that song as well. All we can do is try. In the end, we know we made an effort to at least better ourselves.