Since I was the age of 15 (I’m 23 now) I have had various suicide attempts, each time either I fucked up at the last minute or the police intervene. I’ve been to psychologist, psychiatrist, specialists, councilors and been admitted to a mental health faculty. The past 3 years have been the hardest to cope with. I’ve tried getting help, but got nowhere. I get the feeling society wants me to kill myself (and I don’t blame it).
What shits me is that these attempts are quite life threatening, yet no-one has ever diagnosed me with a condition other than anxenity, but each time I’m talking with doctors they say “it’s more than anxenity”. I’ve been refused to be medicated on the excuse that I was a heroin addict (18 months clean) and prescription pills may turn me into a addict again. Only recently has the suggestion that my problem maybe a cyst or tumor in the brain. I’m currently on a waiting list to get a MRI scan done. Deep down I’m hoping for a tumor as a dignified death without being remembered as “coward” for taking my own life.
I used to own a small business which I closed 1 years ago, it did quite a good turnover until the economy went to shit. Since then I’ve struggled to find work, As of 3 months ago I was taken off welfare payments because of a “clerical error”. So now I don’t have any income other than pawning my stuff or collecting scrap metal from bins..
To be honest, I don’t really want people telling me “it’s going to be ok” and “I’m here to talk to”. My mind is made up that somehow I will die in the near future.
I don’t know why I am posting this…. other than somewhere in the world it’s written down that I can’t handle being alive anymore.