The Outburst of insanity

I completely lost it. I don’t know how to get up anymore, today i did it more as a mechanism, because people do that, they get up. My hands are shaking, I am terribly afraid of myself. I can’t control my actions anymore. It seems like another person lives inside me, controling my mind, giving a false perception of reality. I think i am insane, I don’t want to be and the thought of it makes me cry. People have so many expectations of me but i just wish i can tell them who i really am. And more than anything i wish they could understand, but they never do. I also want to be loved, that is a wonderful feeling, so i have heard.
Yesterday i invited this person to my appartment, and now i ask myself why? And he had to go home, it was already 6 in the morning. And i was so desperate so i locked the door and hugged him. I told him to hold me for 5 minutes, it was so nice, it didn’t mean a thing, but it meant the world to me. It is hard to explain and it is such a paradox that i want people around me and somehow my beahviour drives them away.
And what now, i have to text people and apologize for my insanity. I wish it could stop. A friend asked me why can’t i be happy, why can’t i enjoy. I wonder that myself, i reall want to be happy and i want to be normal. I didn’t choose this.
Anyway i wanted a friend here, if someone can text me i really want to talk, because i hate this isolation.
I also thought about buying a poison, i guess that is the easiest way, you can’t go back anymore. If i lost myself i should at least do one good thing and spare the people who still talk to me. I think that is the right decision, and part of me wants to be saved, the normal one…but i realized that i am the only one who can help myself. It is so damn hard when you are depressed and fucked up.