Everyday it’s the same torture. I wake up not wanting to get out of bed. I leave my room to get on the scale seeing a number that makes me cry. I won’t eat but 100 cals a day. I weigh 99 pounds but my body looks like it’s 160 pounds. My parents worry. I clench my teeth trying not to cry all day. I ask myself why I let it get this far. I hate myself for who I am and the things I do. I start to believe I deserve all of this. I miss my boyfriend so much, he can’t be here for me. I want him home but he’s in the military. My parents go to bed. I stay in my room contemplating suicide over and over again. I go to the only relief I have. I cut and cut until I’m numb and then fall asleep crying because it does not last forever. I’m tired of people acting like anorexia or self harm is cool. It’s not even close it’s torture. It controls my life it’s who I am. I never wanted a number on the scale to control who I am. I’m tired and I’m starting to think that people would be happier if I was dead.
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Hey Sam. Let me tell you a little bit about my experience in hopes it can you someway relate and help to yours. I had my first suicide attempt when i was 13; drank a bottle of rat poison. People around me my friends my family they never really looked at me the same way again after that day. They thought i was a freak. Truth is during those years or so before the attempt i was really alone. I had friends but it never really seemed they cared about me as much as i cared about them. I believed strongly in the idea to treat others as i wanted to be treated, always put others before yourself. I thought i could find happiness in others and it would be great. It never came; i ended up hating myself because i was the outcast in my friends who couldn’t be happy, in turn that would make the people around me resent me. I was literally the cause of their unhappiness; maybe if i wasn’t there they could be happy. And maybe I could be as well. This continued for at least until i was 16. I would fake smiles and pretend to be happy. Try to make it seem like things were alright to others so they wouldn’t worry. It was like I was living a lie.
I’m 18 now. And as much as i didn’t believe it 5 years ago things do get better. Back then if somebody told me that id give that fake smile and pretend id understand that blatant lie. If I was a 13 year old me i wouldn’t trust anyone who didn’t understand how i felt. So as ridiculous as this may sound, because I’m sure i would have never believed it when i was still in hell, you have to love and care for yourself before you can do the same thing to others. Questions like how i could possibly do that and if i could i would have by now come to my mind as i write this, and truthfully its not as easy as it sounds. But you have to trust me and believe that life won’t always be like this.
You’re right about the cutting; it ruled my life as well for all those years. These giant scars on my arms won’t go away. Looking forward to the pain of the razor to drown out this pain that’s far worse than anything i can imagine. But please understand no one wants to see you die. I’ve met people like you and I, I had to go to a psychiatric ward for a week. They were some of the nicest people i have ever met with some of the deepest pain i have seen. I don’t know you that well and i can say i don’t want you to be gone from this world. And I’m sure your boyfriend would love nothing better than to see you get through this. My name’s Richard, and if you want to talk about this my email is rnuon94@gmail.com. Your life can get better Sam.
You know, you’re right Sam.
This seems to be the same
Shit, over and over again.
Everyday is Ground Hog day…
Only we never learn anything or what we learn is never enough
Hi Sam, among many other things I have been diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia both. An I kind of am embarrassed about it cuz im not sure how many people my age still do it, I think its a delusional thing that never goes away. But after all these years suffering with it .. throwing up and excersing exessivly I think I found my own personal cure for it, so far its working so I want to tell u what I did. Realistically I knew I could not be as fat as I saw at almost 5’4 and 99 pounds yet when I look at myself all I saw was fat fat fat.. humongous legs. But not long ago I started to notice what other anorexics looked like, and it did not look good or healthy. Then I started noticing my legs in pics, they were sickening with bones jutting out and skin stretched on bones an harldy any muscle. But that is not what I saw when I just looked down at them they were huge. Anyway I noticed how much beter girls legs an stuff looked with a normal weight and who exercise. my sister was down to 65 pounds an was close to dieng and it looked pitiful, not good. I have decided to eat normally but I still have anxiety sometimes cuz I want to go throw up. I still look huge to myself but I am building muscle in my legs and tummy and I think I like myself beter this way.
There is nothing wrong with your weight. The problem is with your eyes. Eating less isn’t going to help you because it won’t help you change the way you see yourself. Have you spoken to your parents about how you feel?
I know the feeling I’ve attempted suicide a few times. Nobody wants us to die, at least most of the people anyway. Some people need to see a suicide attempt happen before they realise oh wait I don’t want so and so to die! Then they start appreciating that person. So anyway I’m still here so I can tell you that letting people rule your thinking is like the biggest mistake you can make! sure you need people around you and whatnot, but you still need to care for yourself and please yourself first before you please others.