I can’t do this.

With every new experience, everything I do, I just get broken down more by how stupid the world is.

I always thought I got out of my parents’ house, faced my fears, I’d be ok. That everything would get better. But now I’m moved out and everything still sucks.

Boyfriend is away for two and a half weeks. It hasn’t even been one and I’m meh and depressed and mad. He said we’d talk “lots.” Lots for us is constantly. We’ve barely talked at all. I’ve talked to his older brother more than to him. And mostly I’m just mad at his parents for that, but also him because he justs seems so darn fine and stupidly optimistic and doesn’t fight it. Wish he’d realize that he’s never actually had to be the one at home, that I’ve never gone away and left him for weeks at a time. I know he misses me but he just doesn’t get what it’s like to be the person who isn’t out having fun. Like, I’m glad he’s good and everything, but I feel like utter crap all the time. But he doesn’t get it. He’s never been stuck like this.

Along with this is just all the hurt and brokenness from my dad and friend/ex. I hate that my Dad wrecked me in so many ways, left me so damaged and not developed how I should be. Hate that there’s this gaping hole where I was supposed to have a dad. And I hate myself for letting my ex continue that and break me down more, and control me. I hate that I was so naive that I thought he was good for me. I hate that even now, I can’t stop thinking that maybe I’m just naive again.

I just want to curl up in a hole and wait to die, away from the world, away from everyone. If even the people who love me don’t get it and end up hurting me, how is there any hope for happiness?

When every day is just a countdown to get to the next, what’s the point anymore?

I wish I was never born.