So i decided to share my suicide story with you. Â I am 26 year old male from Europe. I had on-off strong suicide thoughts since my early teenage years. I hate myself a lot. i don’t think i should live on.
The reason for that is that i always end up in some really bad, shitty situations. Mostly due myself and my own stupidity, Â laziness or my weak character. I mostly live from one emotional disaster to an other, some shit always happens to me, and i freak out and can’t take it easy. And i effect people around me, a lot of people got disappointed in me. I got i lot of problems with myself, i actually can not think of any good things about me or my personality. Â I got the worst body type – skinny fat, no muscles, i am not tall, more on the short side. I am not so smart and have really bad memory. I have very bad social skills, actually a have social anxiety and no confidence. Â I also have some mental problems, have been tested that i am mentally unstable, i also think that i have ADD, but have never been tested.
I come from a poor family. I was not planned, mother gave birth to me when she was 19. Parents split when i was 4 or 5. Â They were also poor all their life, not really smart people, no real education. Â My childhood was not so good. Mother met her new boyfriend when i was 7 and he never left, she still lives with him. He is a very rude, stupid macho ass alpha male. He beat her, sometimes due my mistakes. Mother was very afraid of him. He totally dominated her with fear, and myself also. I had to be very quiet at home, was even afraid to sneeze or something. Â Never saw love at home. My father is a total loser also, i never could look up to him. Had shitty jobs, dated only some low class stupid women.
I got some few positive moments in my life, but always got dragged bad in this ”shitty reality”. I feel like i got no hope, things always end up badly.  I am already 26, but i haven’t  accomplished much in my life. I got no education, no job, could not hold on a job for long. Had only one relationship with a girl for a year when i was 22, and she ended up cheating on me twice, so i duped her.  Had no girlfriend after that, haven’t even talked to many girls. Basically got disappointed in women. Before her i had few girls, some casual dating, but nothing serious. I actually lost my virginity when i was 19, nobody knows that. Some girls did got attracted to me, but as soon as they got to know me closer, they did not like me anymore.
One of few positive things in my life were my best friends, i could not get along with most people, only with my best friend, like they understood me. Had only 4 friends i my life. But by now lost contact with most of them, they live in a different country now. Â Other positive thing is my hobby, cars, only place where i am confident is in the drivers seat. To bad i have no finance to support that passion.
Two years ago i moved to a different country, basically i tried to escape from my financial and emotional problems. Â But things got worse. Due language barrier and my shy personality i made no friends, got isolated. Didn’t find a job, live from social benefits. Only people i talk to are my parents or my only best friend, they still live in my home country. So i am all alone here, surrounded by happy conservative people who speak a different language. I have never been more depressed. Tried to search for help by doctors, but with no results.
I have been thinking a lot. I don’t see any option but suicide, or winning the lottery, so i had no financial problems and just could build cars by myself for my happiness, but that’s not really possible. I have tried to explore my passion, to make things better, to move on, but no matter what i do, i always fuck things up in the end. I have never succeeded in anything.
I just lost all hope, i should free myself and people around me from my misery and just commit suicide. I wish it was so easy, if i got a gun i would just shoot myself, but can’t get any guns here. I can’t cut myself, i am disgusted by veins, can’t even touch them. All other options i can think of  do not guarantee to kill me, but might end up hurt or paralyzed which is far worse than death.
Maybe you can suggest me some effective suicide methods, or what should i do with my life.
Thank you for taking time and reading my whole story, please comment, i need your advice.
Sorry for my bad English grammar.
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7 comments
My suggestion to you is to get up and try again. Your gonna get knocked down a lot in this life but you have to keep the fight alive in you..and when life pushes you down you get right back up and push back even harder. It’s never too late to find a roll model and do what they would do in your situation. Become the person you want to be or die trying..is what it’s taken for me to become the person I am willing to accept today. Life doesn’t have to be perfect but it can still have meaning if your willing to just not give up.
Thank you for your comment, i really appreciate it.
I have tried a LOT to stand back up and keep trying, keep fighting, i don’t give up easily. But i reached a point in my life, where i don’t really see the point to keep on living anymore, got no fight left in me. Life just seems meaningless. I don’t have a reason, a point or a desire to keep on trying.
I had a lot of private time for thinking these last years, and i think i am just too weak, not good enough for this world. Its like evolution, the best and the strongest live on, and the weak and the bad get left behind and just disappear… I feel just like that, not good enough to keep on trying, like sometimes you should just stop and accept your fate…
The values of those you encounter, determine whether you are accepted or shunned. “What other people think” matters in this way.
However, you have the choice to live in whatever way you prefer, for whatever reason or meaning, even despite the inherent meaninglessness of life. You don’t have to need acceptance. You don’t have to need approval. But life is certainly easier if you are accepted and approved by those you encounter.
I’m in a similar place. Despite whatever “good qualities” or “wisdom” or “unique insights” i may have to offer… i am just not good enough to make it in this world. I am not accepted or approved. I can’t really insist that i should be accepted or approved, or desired in any way. I can only say “they could do far worse.”
But it’s called “survival of the fittest,” not “keep all but the worst.”
The world doesn’t seem to want to be what it would be, with my inclusion. It seems to prefer what it is and will be, without me.
The only reason that even matters, is because it causes me great distress and needlessly elevated difficulty.
I’m not the world. I don’t care what the world wants… except that if the world isn’t getting what it wants from me, then the world makes it virtually impossible for me to exist.
We’re only alive for a little while. You might as well keep trying, until you can’t. Try to find an intersection between what you want and need, and what the world wants and needs from you.
I am not surprised you say you have no confidence, not_me, if that is really how you see yourself. We all have flaws (that’s probably why we’re on here) and it sounds to me like you need to do what I did and create a whole new side of yourself and basically ‘re create yourself’. I also think if you aren’t happy in the country that you are in then maybe you should think about moving to another one, one which speaks the same language maybe?
I’ve had very similar experiences with women as you, its constantly a reason why guys are suicidal, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are ‘unlikeable’ or ‘un loveable’ though, it just means that there is something in you that you need to improve upon – and its usually CONFIDENCE.
If you really want a suggestion on what you should do, then the main advice I would give you from reading your post would be to improve your confidence/self esteem/self image etc .. you really would be amazed how much more positive you can make yourself and how much you can change the way you NATURALY feel and behave around other people if you know and use the right techniques. I am always recommending on here something which I used to basically pull myself out of a grave, it doesn’t help everything but it will help you a lot I’m sure (especially that shyness) and that is a programme by Paul McKenna called ‘positivity’ .. use that and stick with it and you’ll be amazed at how much more control you can have over yourself and how much you can change yourself, naturally, for the better.
Disappointment in women? join the club. The only thing you can do is make your weaknesses strengths and your strengths stronger and try to battle things anyway you can. Maybe get yourself on some anti depressants aswell, if you’re not already!
Thanks for reading my whole story and for your comments guys, its very helpful. I was hoping for something like that, it was the reason why i posted my story here, to get some advice from people who had similar experience.
I will try the Paul McKenna’s program, seems very interesting, but its really not easy for me to think positively, i am a tactical pessimist naturally.
I don’t know if moving to an other country again would help. Right to get social benefits are holding me here right now, without that i would be just homeless. Language is not that big of a problem, just annoying to learn an other language, i already speak 4 languages fluently and learning fifth at the moment. That is just about only skill and only good thing what i can think about myself.
I really hate the idea of taking some drugs like antidepressants, i have taken some in the past when i was 17, and it was very weird, didn’t feel like myself, and depression was gone for a long while after i received my drivers licence and my first car.
Later on in my 20’s only thing what helped with my depression without any side effects was weed, but i can’t use that anymore. Like don’t get me wrong, i don’t consider weed to be a drug, it was a huge eye opener in my life, after trying weed, i stopped drinking alcohol, started eating healthy, even started working out some times(still stuck with all of that), but thanks to my horrible body type i can’t get any real results. Weed did help a lot with my depression, i was daily smoker for 2-3 years, didn’t really had that much suicidal thoughts that time, and i was much more productive. But my sources got cut 4 months ago and i stopped smoking, some time later the depression really got to me.
Can someone suggest some other cures or methods to help with my depression? I really hate the idea to go back to the doctors and asking for some drugs with some serious side effects.
@not_me: I only suggested anti depressants because I’ve always found them quite helpful, I guess people respond in different ways. I am on mirtazapine at the moment, still get quite depressed at times when I lose sight of anything good being in my life in the future but generally I think it raises my overall mood, I don’t get any side effects off that. I know what you mean though I used to be on paroxetine and I found it changed my personality quite a bit in the beginning and I used to get weird kind of electric shock feelings in my head if I moved too quick. I don’t think they all have such big side effects though.
The Paul McKenna programme can sometimes be downloaded for free off torrent sites btw although if you use it enough its definitely worth buying. I discovered that a lot of ‘shyness’ is actually formed by too many negative messages about you in your past and really its not that difficult to beat it somewhat when you know how. Using that material on that programme I found released a lot of my natural personality, which is what happens when you start to feel good about yourself – That’s what the programme does, or atleast gives you the tools to do. When you feel good about yourself – Women notice.
Another way to lift your general mood might be herbal remedies, maybe? They’ll probably have less side effects, although I’m not certain on that.
i used to be a heavy smoker for 3 years too. now i stick to cigarettes. that girl who cheated on you ain’t worth your disappointment in women in general. not all women are like that. and by the way anti-depressants aren’t so bad, provided you get the right kind. A natural way to sleep better and get out of depression is L-Tryptophane, it’s an amino acid which is sold in capsules and doesn’t fuck with your system. the best way to get out of depression is to get into a routine: regular exercise, a job, some kind of productive activity, if all of that is available to you.