I’ve been thinking about dying a lot. For some reason that makes me feel better. Things haven’t been good lately. My life is really pleasant on the surface, I’m doing the things I want to do and have a mostly supportive family. But then I have horrible self-esteem and I just end up in the worst situations and it’s really my own fault.
I am really devastated over this thing that happened recently with my boyfriend. I was away for a few months, volunteering at a school in a really remote place and making a documentary, and while I was gone he cheated on me. I probably would never have found out, except that the girl who he decided to cheat on me with turned around and accused him of rape and he got arrested. I am upset on so many levels I kind of don’t even know where to begin.
Our relationship isn’t the best anyway. He is emotionally abusive and says horrible things to me, puts me down regularly, etc. I don’t know why I put up with it. I came back home after the rape accusation to support him because I truly believed he wouldn’t hurt anyone deliberately. I mean he is horrible to me, but he’s not physically violent… only verbally abusive, I suppose. Anyway after a month or so the police have dropped the case and he’s free but I can’t get over the betrayal.
Also it’s hard because at home he screams at me and says horrible things to me and about me and sort of generally treats me like I’m worthless, but then he is amazing to everyone else in his life, family members, siblings, other friends etc. he is really good and caring towards and it’s like all the anger and rage and frustration that exists in him is just saved up and directed at me. I’m the only person who knows about all the rage and anger and cruelty and dishonesty and infidelity and  everyone else thinks he’s like this amazing human being and I will seem INSANE if I try to talk about any of these things.
But like it’s horrible, I am being put down constantly, criticized constantly, cheated on, lied to, etc etc and nobody knows and I don’t want to tell anyone because I don’t want them to worry about me, or worse to just judge me for staying with this guy who treats me like shit for so long… I don’t know why I am still here, I don’t know. Every time he tells me off again or calls me some name or something I just imagine dying, for some reason it just makes me feel better to imagine it and kind of plan it and write my suicide note in my head that tells everyone how he really is and what he does and how he treats me. It’s not really the way out, I should just find self-respect and go but like for some stupid reason I love him and I can’t let go of it, and so even though I’m a smart, seemingly self-respecting woman with tons going for me… this is still happening… and I’m just so crushed, all the time, every day, and I don’t know what to do anymore.
3 comments
What is more important to you?:
A) the benefits you gain from the relationship
B) your dignity, peace of mind, self-respect
You’re not going to change him, and staying in this situation is apparently making you suicidal.
There is a solution, and a potential better outcome… but having back that fantasy of “how it was before,” isn’t going to happen.
I can’t help but wonder if, perhaps, he’s mistreating you unintentionally. Maybe something is triggering him to do so, and is overriding his self-control… and because he’s comfortable with you, you’re the only one who sees it.
You could see if he acknowledges his behavior, and wants help to change it… or you could get away, and reclaim your life, and hopefully find someone who won’t mistreat you.
Ultimately, it’s up to you. While i personally think that no one should stay in an abusive relationship, i won’t rule out the possibility that, though perhaps unlikely, he might be “fixable.” I bet you already have a good idea whether his behavior can be corrected. That’s what you’ll have to base the decision on.
I can’t tell you what to do, but i find it quite foul that so many women tend to stay in abusive relationships. Still, it sort of stands as a testament to their endurance and resilience, and proves that they are in fact not as “fragile” as many like to pretend, and as much of society portrays them. They simply weigh the benefits against the detriments, and decide the types and amounts of pains, are worth whatever is gained.
It’s only when those detriments outweigh the benefits, that “change” happens.
get out from this guy’s control.
That was really helpful and insightful, clevername. Gives me something to think about. And thank you for saying the bit about endurance and resilience, because I definitely don’t think it’s weakness that keeps women like me in these situations. Weakness of the heart, perhaps, but a lot of strength and patience in other areas.
I’m not sure if he’s fixable, but that’s kind of what I’m trying to determine now. There are good days and bad days and sometimes he seems to genuinely feel bad and recognize his behaviour is wrong and other times he can just completely defend his bad behaviour, as if I instigated it somehow or I deserve it.
I kind of know I need to get out of the situation but I just haven’t been able to do it yet. I still wake up every day just hoping that day will be different… funny how long we can go on doing that.