I can see that this is how things will continue to be. I wake up every day worried. On a Saturday where I have the choice to not interact with the world and just hide from it. My best friend can tell something is not right, but I just don’t want to have that conversation anymore. Unless you have experienced it yourself, there are simply no words to express the darkness. Some of us are just damaged and broken.  I feel like I don’t fit anywhere in this life.
I am losing this battle. My battle to live, experience joy. My life is so consumed by my fears of failing everyone and at everything. I am unlikeable and somehow something about me keeps people at a distance when I so desperately just want to connect. It wasn’t always this way.
I am exhausted by the effort. At 35, it is hard to believe I have been feeling this way for almost 13 years, but then maybe it was there all along. When I don’t know where else to go I come here.
I am sad for us all. I know we carry the pain with us everywhere.  The loneliness, the sadness, the emptiness of life and the paralyzing fear of not knowing where to start to change your life.
I can’t stop crying today.
5 comments
Sorry to hear that. I am kind of the same way in having trouble relating with people and just wanting to retreat from the world sometimes. You are not alone. Be patient and try not to get too down about it.
Start at the beginning. Start where you are. Start here… now. Start from the place where intention begins, in its purest and most admirable form.
There is something i find very… poignant and distressing, about the idea of being both married and alone.
Sometimes i think: “how can these people feel this way? It’s as if they don’t notice that they have someone special!”
I can only imagine how horrible it must feel, to still feel so alone, despite having someone… at least semi-permanent.
I’m tempted to say: “at least you have someone…” You must not be /that/ “ugly” as you seem to think you are.
But then… you still manage to feel saturated with despair, despite having a someone. The idea is terrifying, to me. I’ve never had a someone, and i still think it would make a drastic difference in my outlook, and general state of mind… but i won’t know what to do, if i find myself still hopeless, even with a someone.
You know what, remove the word “admirable” from that first part. “Admirable intention” would be that which resists being altered through long-term exposure to corruptive (apparently this is not a word!) influence. “Admirable” intention, would be that which stays true to its original and purest form, despite anything it encounters.
Purity of Intent. A concept everyone should value.
Making changes is the hardest/scariest thing to do. Especially if you are talking about “big” changes. Changes that we don’t plan are just as bad or worse. I am at a point in my life where both are happening at once. The only thing I can do is adapt to the new situations are forming, and at the same time try to make possible the things that I want to happen. We all want something to change, because we are unhappy. But sometimes everything changes. Many times it’s not what we wanted or anything we could have expected. But we all have strength. Even when it feels like we can’t even complete one small task, we are all capable of more than we give ourselves credit for.
Thank you all. I am grateful for my family, husband and friend, and I appreciate all they bring to my life. But, alas – the darkness is still there. Some days I can’t find my way from it. In fact, that in itself makes me feel terrible on most days. That I can’t climb out. I carry an immense amount of guilt because I am healthy and have a loving husband and a career. I am married and alone though because he and I see the world quite differently. I don’t show the sadness I feel all the time, but I certainly am a hyper-sensitive person and the exhaustion of that alone is tough. I carry everything around and have a tough time letting myself off the hook for anything.
The feelings of ugliness resonate within me from about 30 years ago until today (no matter what is said to me I know I look strange).
What most of us are feeling over a lifetime is not based on choice. I got up this morning, went on a short 2 mile run and then when I got out of the shower – it just *smacked* me in the face. The heavy emptiness…I don’t even know why. I drudged through, went in the yard to pick weeds, did laundry…made the days plans, but it hung there like a dark wet blanket. I feel like it always is just hanging there and I just drudge on.
I need to change and I want to change. I am restless for it. I keep envisioning moving back to southeastern Illinois and buying 5 acres and just having peace. My life is sometimes too busy to enjoy the small things because of my career. I have 6 years until I can earn a retirement check and then I start my second chapter.
to each of you thank you…between embracing change (nephicide) and living with intention (clevername) and just being patient (telly34)…the warm thoughts remind me that whether 30 miles away or 3000 miles away, we are all struggling…but once in a while have enough within ourselves to try to help others. thank you. 😉