Defeated

Tonight I will close my eyes, knowing, that what is at the end of a needle or at the bottom of a bottle is more important than me. It is not a feeling or a thought. It is a fact. My life is worth less than a $20 dollar rush. I have had two days to ponder this and it has finally sink in. If God did not get his message through the first time with the first guy, He definitely got it through the second time with the new guy. I am not worth the effort or the time. I am a waste of space and energy. Why continue to let my body go on when my heart beats dead inside my chest? la vie est belle… Maybe for you or someone else; but not for me. In two days I have come to accept that fact. Two days was all it took. As unfair as I saw it, after all the effort I put in, to try and see the world through happier eyes it is just not meant to be. I do not even blame those men. If one could not leave the needle for me after seven years why would the other do it for me when I have only known him a while… It is not even them. It is me. Plain and simple. It is me. Something  is just wrong with me. Tonight I will close my eyes to that fact.