I have no idea if anyone will respond to this or how many will respond, but I am rapidly losing my shaky grip on things.
A little quick background: I am a 39 year old with diagnosed bipolar II disorder. My life unraveled four years ago (work issues) and I had a setback in January 2012. I have often considered suicide but always held myself back (barely sometimes) mostly because of my family (didn’t want to hurt them). This is the basic stuff.
I am here because I am desperate. Unlike other times (except one) where I only had *thoughts* about doing it, I have a plan. My fear is that this will be the time that I don’t step back from precipice. I am so exhausted (emotionally and physically) and sick of my life, and I don’t see any way that it will get better. Debt, depression, feelings of inadequacy… These are my daily companions. The one thread holding me back is the memory of my uncle’s suicide and what it did to my family. But that’s nothing I can rely on with the way I’m feeling. I just look at what is coming and can’t see how I can function.
I want to tell my wife, but it’s our anniversary tomorrow, and… Well, I feel like I have been an albatross around her neck for many years and would like to not leave bad feelings on that day. Stupid I know, but I’m not terribly logical right now. I am also terrified of being admitted to the crazy floor of a hospital (wide variety of reasons for that). I know that seems to not fit, but again, it makes sense to *me*.
I don’t see the good in life anymore. Nothing brings me joy. And I am tired… so very tired. I don’t want to hurt anymore.
kellhound
8 comments
Just so there is so more information on the go, you said you were diagnosed so were you given medication also, set up with some kind of support system?
Welcome to the party
Oh and I would definitely not worry about this being to positive of a place.
I am on meds and they keep tinkering with them to prevent crashes like this, but… I’m just tired of fighting against this.
Fighting against trying to kill yourself or fighting against the negative feelings?
If it is the latter than just accept the fact that life is negative. Does not change anything about your current situation but at least you are not trying too hard to believe something you do not. I mean lots of pessimists lived long lives.
We start with something seemingly limitless, which eventually depletes.
Living subtracts from what we started with, and anything we gain.
“Live is negative.” Quite literally.
And like “frozen” mentioned elsewhere, earlier: “the loss is absorbed by the loser.”
“Winners” can usually keep up with the cost of life, better and longer than “losers,” but… “on a long enough timeline, the survival rate of everything reaches zero.”
@clevername… I like that!
I wish I could say something that could make you feel alright. I’m 21 years old and I’m going through something similar. I haven’t been diagnosed but there is suspicion of Bipolar 2, among some other things (I never followed through with each therapist to actually get a conclusive diagnosis). I often feel tired with myself, tired of battling the instability and the thoughts and the feelings, I sometimes just shut down and go numb, then go on auto mode. It can sometimes be easier that way. The point is, no one is alone, something that I suppose you already know but could use some reminding. It definitely sounds like you have much more going on than I do, and honestly reading this, I got scared wondering if I’ll ever get out of it all. But the important thing is, you have people who care.
Honestly, I understand that you don’t want to burden your wife, you don’t want to ruin her day and all. But I believe it’s important that you talk to her. Tell her your concerns. If you still think it’s a bad idea, talk to someone you trust. A friend, sibling, or your doctor. Someone that is physically there to be able to do something about it. Sharing this on the site is good too, you get support. But it is very much limited. An important thing to keep in mind: If you’re telling someone, especially if the person isn’t a doctor and hasn’t had any experience with this, they may have a hard time understanding you. Perhaps you can start off by saying that you know that it may be hard for them to understand, and that you don’t blame them, but it is very much real and a big deal to you, so you hope they can listen attentively and try to put themselves in your shoes as well as they can. Of course this depends on how you are feeling when you are talking to them. Either way, I hope you find a solution for this soon. I hope you get better.