Maybe it’s best….

Ever since I was 12 I’ve been contemplating suicide. I’ve tried to sit down with my parents because I felt that I need professional help but they brushed it off and claimed it to be some sort of phase I’d eventually grow out of. I didn’t even know what the fuck that meant but I can easily tell you it was no adolescent phase. I’m 20 now going on 21 and I’m still currently struggling with thoughts of suicide. I’ve been off and on with medications and it drives me insane. I’ve attempted suicide twice but the first time the rope snapped and the second time my stomach was pumped “just in time”. Now, I’m just trying to do what I can to be happy and carry on normally. I didn’t realize it would make things harder but it does but I refuse to give up on myself. I have great friends who listen and give great advice, they keep me going. The one person though, who I wish I had full support from just doesn’t accept me. My own mother tears me down in every which way. Just this morning she called me fat and pathetic, apparently staying over at a friends house and drinking socially is a degrading way to live. That’s all ever do in her eyes, is degrade myself because I don’t fit her standards. I don’t like who she is, i don’t want to be anything like her. That’s the problem though, I’m not accepted by her. I don’t think I ever will be. Maybe it doesn’t seem important to anyone else but she’s my mother and all I’ve wanted was to make her proud of me. I don’t think she ever will though. It makes me hate myself, I’m no good to her so why would I be of any use to anyone else.