I don’t feel worth it. I feel like everyone else would be better off without me. I feel like everyone is just secretly wishing I was dead. I feel unwanted, criticized, and unloved. All I want is professional help and someone to show they care… But I want it to be one of the four boys that mean the most to me… I don’t think people realize how truly depressed and suicidal I am, unless I’ve told you. I don’t think the people I’ve encountered in my life could truly believe me when I say I want to die. I feel those people see me as one of the happiest people ever. Because I always have something to say, I love to laugh and smile, and it’s just in my personality. Or so it was. Ever since a few months ago, I’ve been really suicidal and depressed. For those that don’t know, I used to cut. I only stopped because I lost the feeling it brought. I might try it again but I’m waiting until I either get a sharper knife or razor or until winter so I can hide it with long sleeves and sweatshirts. I’ve changed a lot in these past few months and I’ve lost a lot of people. I’ve just become more closed off, anti-social, depressed, and angry. I have a really short fuse lately and I just don’t know anymore. The pain I feel now hurts more than anything. And sometimes it’s not even pain, it’s just numb emptiness. Just the feeling that no one’s there and there’s no way to get better on my own. I want to get better and feel normal again, but I need help. Friends say that they will help me but it never happens. They abandon me, they can’t handle it, or I just can’t open up to them. Sadly I also have people in my life who fuel me to make bad decisions. I have friends who are the reason why I cut, friends who are the reason I tried bulimia and anorexia, and friends who are the reason why someday soon I will try suicide. Now, if you’re still reading this, congrats. You care! And you’re probably wondering why I just don’t go to my parents with my problems. See, they both know. My dad said he would bring my grandmother into it (because my mother is the reason for my suicidal thoughts and depression and self harm and my grandmother could get her help) but never did. He also told me I don’t need professional help and that it’s all my mother’s fault that I’m doing this (even though I clearly could have picked a different outlet for my depression and anger). My mother told me to stop but then she changed her mind and told me to not get caught at school. Not only did she say that but she helps my anorexia. She sees it as a chance to save money and food. Her boyfriend on the other hand force feeds me. But he also breaks my every will to live, too. He does the worst thing you could possibly ever do to break me. I can’t say it because… I don’t want it used against me… It keeps me up at night and makes me anxious and suicidal and shake… I can’t take it. For now I’ll just leave it at this; to me, my life is meaningless. If someone were to murder me, I’d just ask them to make it quick. Honestly I can’t stand life anymore. If I post this that means, I’m ready for someone on the internet (because that’s how desperate I’ve become) to help me. For anyone that I’ve ever upset or angered. I’m sorry. For anyone that cares; it just shows that there still are some caring people in my life. For anyone that wants to help; good luck… </3
3 comments
i read your entire post because i care. you may not realize but a lot of people really do care about you.
a lot of these things you’re feeling are common among depressed and suicidal people, myself included, so know that you’re not alone and that there are many people just like you. they may have different stories but they still feel the same.
if you’re looking for a reason to keep going then look no further for you have one right in front of you – YOURSELF. live for yourself, try and enjoy everything you can in life, appreciate the little things.
i wish you the best!
I feel like I’m going through almost the same as you. Only difference is the girl I want the most I can’t have. You should always feel you have something to live for, people will miss you when you’re gone believe it or not. I hope things get better for you.
I love you :3
I don’t know you, I just feel the need to spread love right now 🙂