Whether on the way to get some helium or rope or a gun my mind always brings me back home to this miserable place. Â I feel an urgent NEED to kill myself nonstop yet I can’t actually go get the tools to do it and actually carry out the act. Â This life is literally torture and no one knows how suicidal I really am. Â I gotta keep it secret otherwise they’ll throw me in the psych ward. Â I should have killed myself years ago..
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There was a lady author who spoke of this phenomenon. She said something like, you say “okay, I’m going to do it” and then it involves hardware stores and preparations and writing notes, and you’re so depressed you don’t even feel like doing all of that. It seems life is not even worth the effort it takes to leave it.
In fact that’s where I am. I’ve got my plan in my head and I can’t muster enough will to gather the equipment, and everything in life is worth so little to me, that it’s almost as if it doesn’t bother me enough to put the effort into leaving it. Because it isn’t life at large, it’s my own head that’s the issue.
It’s because ‘needing’ and ‘wanting’ are two different, yet related things.
@CareFreeT- I know right? I wish I could make up my mind and go with the flow and carry through with my inevitable suicide.
@Clevername- Indeed, although I gotta say I do “want” it to an extent. But I’m scared of what’s next. Even more scared of failing an attempt and ending up a disabled veggie. Although I can say for sure I “need” to die because logically I came to that conclusion a while ago.
Everything you’ve written….wow…..it’s like you took those words right out of my mind. I am in the same place. Tortured by life, needing to leave it, being held back by so many things. It’s one thing to think “ok, a few days from now I’ll hang myself in my closet and this will all be over.” It’s another thing to really experience the pain of hanging, the fears of survival, the fears of landing in a psych ward or hospital, the fears of mother opening my closet to find my lifeless body. And yet I need to leave this life behind. I am so ready to cast off this horrible shell (body) and fly away from this dark world. I know it would absolutely kill my mom. It’s hard. I keep praying for god to find some other way to kill me if only so my mom doesn’t have to greive a suicide. I can’t hang on much longer.
@rach- I’m sorry to hear you’re going through similar struggles. I keep making plans similar to that. Like for instance, my brother is visiting my home for a month or two and I imagine myself killing myself after he leaves. Like a few days after he leaves I imagine driving down to my local bridge to jump off or going to a gun store and buying a gun and taking it home and blowing my brains out with it. Pretty depressing to think about.
Ironically enough though suicide is what keeps me going. Like the thought I could leave anytime I wanted with the proper tools is a liberating thought. Like you said though it’s one thing to imagine it and another thing to actually carry it out. I really hope being dead isn’t as bad as being alive on this shit hole planet.
I’m in the same hole as you guys. My brain literally prevents me from doing it, even though i fantasize about it 24.7 and like tupacorbiggie, what I am afraid of the most is a failed attempt resulting in brain damage. The thing that prevents me from trying sure methods is the idea of my mom finding me. But I know for sure that I need to be dead soon. I also hope being dead isn’t anything like being alive.
This is the exact way i feel right now.
Too depressed to even do the efforts
to end it.
Wish I lived in the U.S.
A shotgun for sale on every corner.
My best option is the heliummethod.
But the hassle….pfff
@carefree T