Obscure

Sleep is out of my reach and I keep awake at night, visualizing all the methods that I can do to hurt myself. Depression and anxiety keeps me from going out of my room to interact with my family and I hate myself for it. I’ve never been this way before, it used to be a once-in-a-while feeling when I was a kid but now it’s getting more and more frequent. Of course, I can still appreciate a good joke and smile but I’m not quite as happy as I used to be. I find myself pointing out my flaws more often, refusing to eat my meals and thinking negatively about everything. My mom noticed the fact that I barely eat anymore and today, told me to use the scale weight. I’m scared that she might also notice that there is a cutter in our bathroom. I’ve never used it, mind you but the thought that it’s there is very comforting. Self-harm is never that far away from my mind, I haven’t  tried it but it seems like I’m close to.  I really don’t know what to do with myself, I don’t want to feel like this everyday but at the same time I don’t want to see a doctor or a therapist. I acknowledge that I need help, professional or otherwise, but sometimes I think it’s temporary, just another one of those phases that teenagers go through and that I’ll be normal soon.