Why can’t I choose when my life ends? Why do people think its oh so bad to want to end a life? Im not killing others just myself. I should be able to have some control over what I do. If I can’t have control over my life, then why not my death? Shouldn’t I be able to do what makes me happy? I want it to end on my terms. My terms are dieing with in the first few weeks of school starting.
July 2013
A year ago I felt so peaceful and free after moving forward on my plans to recover from an eating disorder that had taken over my life and jeopardized my health. I was improving more each and every day, I was enjoying food, and pleasure had been brought back to life. I thought the nightmare was over, I knew relapse was a harsh possibility, but I assured myself I would stay strong. At the time I had no support other than the occasional “I’m so happy for you†from a friend. That’s the way I wanted it, […]
Fear her injections
Her panic is not a release
It’s an excuse
Simply so she can bleed
Her heroine decays the veins
She has things inside
She must kill, it’s killing timeÂ
When she screams
Let your eyes wander past
She wants you to fear how much you love her
Yet she knows you don’t love her at all
And so she’s afraid of your audacity to care
When she knows that no one cares at all
This duty is fearless to breathe without courage
Burning time, light a match, watch her burn
A witch which you know is innocent among her sin
Cutting time, […]
I found this website called wattpad. Its a website where thousands of people write their own stories and all the people who have accounts are suicidal, emo or gay. So one day I met this boy named Asher. We started talking every second if everyday. Pretty soon I fell in love with Ash, but the problem was he was taken. His boyfriend had been cheating on him for months and he barely found out recently.
Asher meant the world to me. On my birthday I was planning to admit to him that I loved him more than I loved myself, but Ibrecieved news before i could.
His […]
ok. so i am a wife and mom. not happy at all. my life sucks. my kids (14 and 16) and husband are all about themselves. i get no respect (like rodney dangerfield). all i do is give give give and get shit in return. nothing i do is good enough. i had a great job and lost it by getting laid off. i have not had a luck in finding another good paying job. i was a paralegal and the bread winner in my family. i am working again but everybody still thinks that i can just buy buy buy and get get get […]
There r so many things in my life i regret. i just dont seem to ever say or do the right things like what i do is never good enough. alot of the time it makes me feel like a fuck up like i just cant get my shit together but it always comforts me to kno that one day i will b able to leave and just live away from everyone. I feel that as ive gotten older i just suck at relationships. Its not anyone elses fault im truly just an asshole. Idk i just wish that i didnt hav to worry about […]
sunflower youre right.
im avoiding my feelings for a reason.
it doesnt matter the reason.
but i am.
I’m exhausted. neglect, abuse, rejection. Love of my life gone and a new partner the same day. I want to go back to feeling happy. i don’t know how to go, I think im just scared of the process. Today I drank rum and swallowed sleeping pills then went to my roof to jump. I just stared down. All I could think was “will it hurt?” “what will happen after?” “what if I survive?” I’m tired of feeling scared I just want to end this decade […]
(Moderators beware as this is a rule breaking plauge of destruction. Please dont take it down.)
This is my plan in its final steps in which im going to leave this horrible world. The 25th of august I leave for Britain, the 30th I die.
On the 25th im going to sussex to go to a small suicidal camp to finally end my suffering. They are going to gas me with hydrogen cianide until i pass out and die a non painful death. I have bags, a ticket and a temporary home to stay in before i die.I will  be burnt and given to the people that […]
I know not to worry. But he didn’t call back like he said he would yesterday. “I’ll call back in a minute” This is a really long minute. He didn’t return the call today… The second I showed my face in the kitchen this morning, I was yelled at. Because I have sleeping issues and it’s apparently my fault. Then I was b*tched at because I had my door closed. I always have my door closed. Always. ALWAYS. It’s always my fault.. I’m always the reason why everyone else is miserable, and the only thing I did was not interact with anyone but my boyfriend. I’m just […]
Well just a few weeks ago, while I was traveling, my mother lost her job. I figured by the time I got home that things wouldnt be too bad, but that she would be looking for work. Well she has yet to even look for a job. Our finances are really starting to stretch, and I know that, even though she wont admit it. I have been working recently and I am getting a second job soon, while my mother continues to sit at home and not do much.
I understand she is down on her luck, and I don’t want to kick her while she […]
Its been 6 months since i was last here on SP.. Im not sure what compelled me to come back today. but i did. im not sure how long ill stay around the site, but for the time being, im back.
I left several friends on this site, im hoping to find them again.
Sometimes I look back and ask myself, “Why didn’t I die that day.” Should I have died? I obviously didn’t get any better. I remember sitting in the girl’s bathroom at school and I started to slice down my arm. Why did I stop? Why couldn’t I kill myself? Because now I can’t, I can’t do it now. I love you, and yet I hate you. Because of you, I can’t die. I can’t do that to you.
I should have, though. You would have been a lot happier, I can only assume. You would have found some other girl who was more your type. […]
I have no idea what I should do with my life. I know I’m interested in certain things or topics and those are the classes I take but I’ll be a junior in college this fall and I still haven’t figured out what I for sure want to do. It is so stressful. And I’m scared my four years of college will be up and I still don’t know what I want to do… How am I supposed to go out into the “real world?” Just trying to think about these kinds of things I get freaked out and so anxious and it just makes […]
I have had a hard life. Some I brought on myself and some just seemed to happen to me.
In the past few years, things began to turn around and I found myself, what I love was building and growing.
Then I got hit by a car. Hit and run while I was on my bicycle. It turned into a three ring circus with the police behaving badly, my girlfriend behaving so badly I ditched her, I lost my business I put everything into over the pas ttwo years because I couldnt physically and mentally keep up, I was almost evicted last month because there is no […]
whats the objtiv to this if we as suicidel nuts get what we whant its a short sharp bang to the head and deth what dos it feel like ill tell you hit you head agenst concret and thats what it feels like i know this cos if it wernt for the helmit the bullit fird from the ak would of killd me so what happuns well letme lay the seen
you sit in a dark room contomplate you deth lision to a song you feel conects you lode you gun you cry you cry some more you put the gun to your head you stop […]
Last time I posted here I went home and swallowed 69 50mg trazedones. Unfortunately I failed again.. How many times will I fail before I get it right.. its killing me to continuously post here about my failures. I spent a week in the gutters they call behavioral institutes and i feel like im getting worse, I feel robotic.. like a mechanical animal.. i hate swallowing diamonds they’re killing my head.. but then thats where the true reality lies isnt it.. in my head.. yesterday i found a beautiful rose, her thorns work beautifully against my skin, thats all i can do.. keep picking “roses” and […]
how weird, i am free and independant and yet i cannot do what i want. it is like i have this fake freedom, i have the freedom from all the people who can bind me, voluntarily or by force. but i just cannot be free of myself, i cannot not hold myself back. sometimes i feel i can only be as good as i want me to be. i feel so enormously sick when my strongest of emotions fail to lead into action. my eyes may well up with tears for something and my heart would be convinced about that, yet it all falls flat […]
Suicide. I’ve been dealing with this ideation for years upon years. Sometimes it’s worse, sometimes it’s better, but it’s always there. At the worst of times, I make a list of things I should do before I die. Not just tying up the loose ends, but things I should see through– birthdays, holidays, new seasons of television shows.
As of today, I’ve crossed off a big one. I’ve been covering for a coworker during their leave for two months. They’re back today, ready to go. I couldn’t kill myself while they were gone, but now… it matters less.
The things on the list seem less significant now.
I […]
Hello,
First post ever……..let’s see how this goes. Â Now I feel I’m at a loss for words…..nothing new. Â Background info I guess? Â Though we must all know by now that I’m feeling pathetically trapped regardless. Â I think I’ve been “depressed” since I was 11 though I’ve never been formally diagnosed. Â My parents took me to a doctor when I was 13 to see if I qualified for anti-depressants…..without taking me to therapy first. Â They did that because they found out I was cutting and burning myself. Â I made a really bad burn on my fore-arm, and my parents cared enough to see if I could use […]