So Close

I’ve been pretty unlucky in life. When I was a child I was raped. Then my sister and father left me and my mother. She started crying and drinking all the time and saying/doing fucked up stuff (like trying to stab me). A bunch of other stuff happened with religion and drugs and stuff that fucked me even more. Eventually I ended up with psychological problems including social anxiety, psychogenic pain and schizophrenia. In college I found a therapy that was very effective at treating these problems: schema therapy. It involved going back to childhood and fixing the problems at the source. As part of this therapy I wrote out some things that happened in childhood, negative beliefs that came from them and positive beliefs that could replace them (called flash cards). When I was drunk at the birthday of someone in my class I accidentally dropped a flash card and people in my class found them (I didn’t know they were in my pocket). On the 60 minute bus journey back they revealed what they found and constantly harassed me about all the stuff that happened and all problems/negative beliefs I had. They systematically reinforced all the negative beliefs I had. I think they gave me post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) because I can’t stop thinking about it and it’s making me really angry and anxious. It’s preventing me from making any progress with the therapy so I’m back to being fucked. I was making rapid progress and I was on my way to a full recovery but now I’m just fucked and planning on suicide. I didn’t tell anyone for ages because I thought they wouldn’t understand. I think deep down I thought I deserved it but now I realise I didn’t, and I feel more comfortable talking about it.  They knew that I was raped when I was a child, they knew what happened with my mother (plus a lot of the other stuff), and they wanted to hurt me more. They had no significant reason for doing it, they just enjoy making people suffer. People are sick.