For years, I’ve felt helplessly depressed. But through it all I had some mysterious and sometimes unwanted glimmer of hope keeping me moving on. I waited in my solitary shell for something to destroy the barrier I’ve built around myself and take me into a life worth living. I watched the world go by, knowing that I’ll never be like the beautiful people, the successful people. But that voice in my head kept telling me that there’s still hope for me. I hoped, and still do, to grow old and look back to say: “I’m proud of who I am”. But that voice that kept me alive no longer offers hope. I’ve been asked recently what I want to do with my life, to which I replied: “I don’t know”. It’s my usual answer to questions about my future. But my thoughts are always the same. The words ‘I WANT TO END IT’ scream at me over and over!
When I look at our world, I see the good people dying while the evil ones prosper.
I see my generation so dumbed down and drugged up that they go along with whatever the ones in power tell them. Obediance like a dog to it’s abusive owner.
I see people who would rather lie and steal than give a compliment.
I see spectators, watching the world swallow itself in flames, waiting for someone else to act first.
I see hypocrites waiting for their god to wipe clean the sinners while polluting the minds of their children with fabricated tales spewed out two thousand years ago and full of sinful revisions.
I see a world unfit for human life. That whisper of hope has started agreeing with me, that this world is not one I want to live in. I may not be religious, but I am spiritual. I believe in life after death. Why should I suffer here if there is somewhere better on the other side of the threshold?
I have one reason for staying here, and that is my mother. I never want to put her through that kind of pain. But every day I live is another day I see the disappointment in her face.
No matter how I put it. I do not want death. I want just the opposite, a life I can enjoy.
5 comments
I really enjoyed reading your post. You write very well and described reality as it is, the real disgusting world. It’s amazing that you get along with your mom and that she’s the reason you breath. I wanted it too, since my mom and I don’t share a real relationship I guess.
But sometimes our moms aren’t disappointed. We’re disappointed. I’m usuay very disappointed at myself. One of the reasons is that we’re the ones seeing the world as it is: exactly how you described it.
And then we feel like shit. And we see sadness and hurtful emotions on the eyes of those who love us the most. And sometimes there’s not any of these feelings going on inside them. Just in our own eyes. This is the hardest part: trying to see things different.
I wish you peace.
I understand your feelings 100%. The feelings of shame, self hatred and anger are overwhelming when I look at my mother and see the disappointment in her face. Its to the point I dont even look her in the eye anymore. Our relationship has been damaged greatly because she doesnt understand my illness and its hard for her or my family to relate. I agree with your views on society too. I call them sheeple. whatever rappers or celebrities say is cool is cool. nobody disagrees or goes against the grain and if they do they are ostracized or pushed out to the fringes of society
I understand your feelings 100%. The feelings of shame, self hatred and anger are overwhelming when I look at my mother and see the disappointment in her face. Its to the point I dont even look her in the eye anymore. Our relationship has been damaged greatly because she doesnt understand my illness and its hard for her or my family to relate. I agree with your views on society too. I call them sheeple. whatever rappers or celebrities say is cool is cool. nobody disagrees or goes against the grain and if they do they are ostracized or pushed out to the fringes of society
I can’t think of anything more disappointing and depressing than finally seeing the world exactly as it is with no blinders. You stated it PERFECTLY.
Life is brutish, nasty and short for many. Getting through it some days is like running through quicksand. While you sink and fight to breath, fight to survive.
I don’t understand this world. Boggles my mind that such an evil place could exist. I see so many innocent lives like myself tormented with pain and trauma just from being innocent victims of genetic mishaps, burn victims, war victims, helpless animals who cannot escape from being tortured and slaughtered. All whilst evil people who may themselves have caused some of these horrible accidents lounge about on beaches and restaurants and Disney world and go about harassing those of us who suffer through no fault of our own. I don’t understand. I don’t understand how there could be a god…and this. This nightmare. I am only interested in living in a world without bloodshed, without animal suffering, without suffering of innocents, a world that is fair. Truly I prefer death than to live in this slaughterhouse of a world.