The End is Near.

I decided that this life is no longer worth living.  The love of my life has officially left me and I have nothing left to live for.  I already know where and how i will do it.  I’m making it a double attempt so if one fails the other won’t.  My letters are almost written and then I will out them all in envelopes with people’s names on them.  Each will have a generic letter and one personal letter.  I get a fresh battle of meds on Monday and I have some muscle relaxers and oxicodon left so the combination should do me in.  I don’t want to have just any person find my body so i plan of jumping too and putting my location in one person’s letter so they will know where to find me. I’m not doing this right away I have people that I need to say good bye to in person first and i also have to finish this next week of work.  After that I am free to go.  I do have other obligations later in the summer but I know those can be taken care of b someone else.  I hope my family forgives me for this but I know it will make their lives easier and they will have extra money without paying for all my meds and appointments.  I wish i could just make it even easier and just shoot myself but I don’t have a gun or any way of getting one.  I know this website is suppose to help prevent suicides but I don’t know any other solution because there is no way i can go on living like this.  I just hope i am remembered as how I was before I developed all these problems and i still have to make the decision if I will say good bye to certain people.

I wish 100 times over i ended my life a year ago like i had planned.  Then I would not have all this pain and i would not be leaving behind some of the new people that i have met and thought I would spend the rest of my life getting to know.  I tried a little over a year ago to end my life but unfortunately i was unsuccessful.  Not a single day  goes by that i don’t wish I had tried harder.  I have seen almost everything I would like to see so i shall die with few regrets.  I hope others out there who attempt and fail will try again sooner than i waited to.  Try as hard as you can when you want to die bc returning to the living world sucks because even though u think things are getting better its just an illusion.  The pain is still there and it bites back 10 times stronger.

“Saying to yourself every night: this will be the last time.“