i’m am bad.
fundamentally broken.
defective.
and that was before all of the diseases and addictions set in.
i try to be good.
i have the best intentions and strongest resolve whenever i set out on a mission.
but without fail i get the complete opposite reaction.
i destroy what i am trying to build.
i hurt those i am trying to love.
and i waste the love i’ve have been praying all my life for.
its like a sick twist of fate. drug addiction has been a part of my life since i was 15. i turn 23 in september. it has infiltrated and destroyed every aspect of my life. i cant count the times that i have overdosed or smoked myself psychotic. yet even when i TRY to overdose and not come back i cant. it is not humanly possible to survive the amounts i ingest in a 15 minute period. sometimes i grab onto my throat because my hands curl and i cant uncurl them when i get to high. i record myself all the time because i get so high i become completely disassociated with reality. i cant see the person in front of me. i completely forget whats going on. i have so many burns on my body i look like i am polka dotted yet i dont remember a single one. the other day i woke up with bruises so bad on my neck it looked like i had tried to hang myself but it wasnt until i watched a video of myself later i found out i did it to myself.
i’m bipolar as well and when i get on a smoking bender it takes a matter of days before i become seriously suicidal. i can remember around april of last year i had purchased the book final exit which explains step by step how to commint suicide via helium hood method. i had bought all my supplies i had a hotel room rented i called the party store and had 2 helium tanks ready for pick up. but at the last minute i though maybe this time someone will see how badly i do need help ( too many times i have asked for help and no one has taken me seriously). so i call the emt’s and get taken to the hospital. and then right as the mental health professional was coming to do my evaluation on whether or not to involuntarily hold me, i remembered i still had dope at home and managed to talk my way out of the psych ward and right back to my pipe. even when i try and commit suicide sober i’m too chicken to actually pull the plug. or when i drank amonia someone found me and took me to the hospital. i can remember one time i smoked  myself psychotic and absolutely disassociated with reality i drank lysol…then freaked out and call 9/11 on myself. just another involuntary hospitalization. i can’t go on living like this. i hurt so bad its burning me numb. i cant try any harder than i have to get it right. i dont want to fail another attempt at getting clean. i just want to go away. stop damaging everything i touch. i dont have the money to buy a gun and jumping from a bridge is a little too scary. i think the only way for me to successfully do it is with my car . i haven’t decided wether or not to drive off a cliff or just put the pedal to the metal straight into a wall but in my head it seems like it would be relatively painless…. hoping that i die instantly. i just hope i can actually for once in my life complete one thing. my ending
5 comments
Doesn’t sound so painless.. crashing into a wall is not foolproof. It’s hard as hell to get off weed, people say it’s not addictive, but psychologically it’s addictive as fuck. It sounds like you go on a bad trip every time you get high. guessing the hospitalization didn’t help at all? i’ve thought about jumping from a bridge but its scary as hell. That leaves me with hanging
methods like that take serious balls. and i’ve givig up on my life but i havent giving up on the dream of having a happy healthy sober life and i guess thats whats keeps me from pulling the trigger and taking the leap in the end. stupid in love and stupider in hell
ha i wish weed was where my drugs library ended but i have done everything from shooting up heroin and coke to smoking meth and taking extacy every weekend. i havent shot up heroin or anything for that matter for 3 years but the reason i started smoking crack was because at the time i was shooting heroin too and my veins were collapsing left and right so i decided to save my veins doe getting well and smoking my coke. i havent done anything other than crack for almost 3 years now. it took over and ruined my life. i became homeless and a prostitute. crack is the devils drug. being a crackhead is embarrassing. i hate being me
The helium hood method seemed like a good idea but I read stories about people pulling the bag off even after they were unconscious which is scary because that means I would wake up and have another failed attempt along with the possibility of being caught in the attempt by family members. I agree that weed is addictive but if you over do it like I have it loses it strength over time and I dont have the financial ability to move up to stronger drugs so Im fucked in that area. People do survive accidents all the time so I wouldn’t try that because it isnt guaranteed and Deathdreamer is right I dont think it is painless. I thought about carbon monoxide but I dont want to risk the people who find me lives. So I chose carotid compression … basically hanging without actually hanging
So many methods to kill yourself. Theres a book about suicide that goes in detail about the topic as well as the methods. I forget the title I’ll have to ask Khajiit she knows.
Also if someone truly wishes death they don’t need the “balls” to do it ya know? They just jump off that bridge, jump in front of a train, drop to hang themselves, pull the trigger, take the barbitures, slice open their veins, ect.
I want to live. I know it because despite being a coward, if i really wanted to die id do it…but thats just me cant speak for others just sharing ya know?
Theres nothing wrong with having hope for a happier life.