So, I couldn’t access this website for like a week so I started a blog  theventingspace.blog.com . Self harm is a pretty common thing for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. I started cutting in February of 2012, I was self harming in different ways before that but nothing that was visible. I took laxatives, I had unhealthy relationships, I drank too much, and going wayyyy back to my early childhood( the only other time it was visible) I pulled out all my eyelashes and eyebrows and blamed it on an episode of Punky Brewster.  Now why would someone start cutting so late in life? I mean by 26 you’re supposed to have your life together and be able to handle stress. Well, I couldn’t. I was going through a pretty major breakdown, I couldn’t leave my dorm room without having a panic attack, or go to classes. So I did the only thing I could think of to let the pain and panic out using what I had available to me…my wood carving tools. When I did it, made that first slice into the previously unmarred skin of my wrist, it was a relief. All I felt was, nothing. Beautiful nothing! No pain, no panic, nothing could hurt me in that moment. Afterwards I was terrified, did cutting myself make me suicidal or attention hungry?? I cut for about a week, each time going a little bit deeper, until I scared myself so badly that I felt I needed to be home. Coming home didn’t make me want to stop though. I just needed that outlet, the feeling of peace and control that came with it. It was addictive and I was an addict.
In April, I was having a really bad day. The kind of day where you just can feel that you’ll do something bad to yourself if someone doesn’t help. My dad took me to the Dr. and the Dr. wanted me to promise I wouldn’t hurt myself. I’m not a liar and that’s just something I couldn’t do. So they made me go to the mental hospital. Let me tell you, that place was the most terrifying places I’ve ever been to. If at all possible never send your family to Green Oaks in Texas. The Dr. there could tell right off the bat that, that wasn’t the place for me and I only stayed for 2 days. I didn’t learn anything and I didn’t get any real help. The first thing I did when I got home was cut, this time it was my thighs. Shortly after that I met my therapist Carmen, she and my other Dr. both made me promise not to cut myself anymore and I agreed (mostly because I didn’t want to go back to Green Oaks). It’s been a little over a year now and I haven’t cut. But I crave it, sometimes I’ll pass a display of blades and I’ll think how good it would feel. I made a promise though and even more than just that I know what a slippery slope self harm can be. I was pinning(Pinterest for those of you not in the know) recently and I came across this article http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201301/coping-self-harm it had a really great way to cope with cutting. Instead of cutting yourself, draw a line and then at the end of the day add them up to show how strong you are. Carmen is always telling me that I need victories to show myself that I’m making progress. A victory is a reminder that I made it through the day, that I’m still here. I guess if Carmen thinks I need them, then there are definitely others out there who do as well. Let’s make our reminders victories and not scars!
I hope ya’ll enjoyed the read.
Lots of love,
Meghan
2 comments
Congratulations.
Thank you 🙂