damn, this ghastly insomnia has caught up to me again. It seems i am trapped in my own mind.
its never a pleasant experience when i am caught up in my own thoughts. idea’s and realizations take hold and i cannot shake them, ergo what led me to self harm in the first place.
but on a rare occasion a wondrous idea takes root, and it is great at first, but then i become fixated on it, it is in my every thought and dream. it makes me feel new and whole and like there is a point to the future after all.
but then i bore of it and move on. but i always feel as if i lost apart of myself with it.
as if i failed myself.
as if i was the thing i bored of.
its odd.
granted a little different. but still odd
bizarre even.
i have nothing left.
my thoughts,feelings, hopes, dreams. my every minuted wasted on false realities.
all of that is what i live for.
a chance to portray me in a new light, a chance to show the world my idea’s and creations.
a chance to break out of this bubble i am in. this faint ideation that i am normal.
granted even i know i am not normal. freak, trash waste of space, call me what you will. but i am not normal.
i have a gift, no one can deny that. i am a creator, of many things. i create worlds, characters, idea’s, new beginnings, hope, inspiration, relief, hell probably even trauma.
but the fact is, i create. not many people can say that.
i am proud of what i can do, and hopeful of the future. as of right now i have to get past the past, and that is one of the hardest things to do.
its almost like it is imbedded inside, i feel as if i have to lose myself to shake off the negative.
but it is what it is.
i hope that i do not lose my creative edge with it. i found these gifts when i was enduring, and it is what has gotten me through, i hope it wasn’t like a defense mechanism.
i dont want to lose it, it is apart of me now, even more so than my organs. my need to breath.
i need to create more than i feel i need to live.
Sincerely
ShatteredGlass
3 comments
Im glad youve found something you cherrish and are good at. Many dont get that opportunity or dont realise it. Revel in it!
This might be mind-blowingly profound but…
You ARE past the past. Right now. You just need to catch up to, and keep up with, yourself. Give yourself a break. Cut yourself some slack. Your body can’t live as fast as your mind thinks. No “body” can.
Thoughts, like lightning, striking, like being plugged-into an electrical outlet, from the outset to the finding, bolts of energy blast, fast, to the future from the present, back into the past, leaving you gassed, and the thunder follows after like an aftershock to a disaster, shattering glass, like a glass-shattering sound-mage-master splattering ass, flattening grass, schooling a class, and just kicking every kind of ass.
And there’s just no way a normal person could handle that.
But you have. Some can. But even we need a break between storms, now and then.
Maybe sometimes things need tearing apart, to make room to build something good again.
That whole centre section was insanely well worded you have quite the skill there!