i dont feel anything anymore

I used to be a cheerful person, until my break up and subsequent events that followed..you can read my story here…i was very very sad for almost 6 months to the point of turning insane..I literally used to cry myself to sleep.. it was so bad that i couldn’t go out in public and make a conversation with a friend with out tears rolling up my eyes(even if we were talking about the movie we wanted to watch that week end)..

things have changed slightly since then, and these days i don’t FEEL anything anymore… i used to get butterflies in my tummy when something big was about to happen.. the feeling of your heart pounding against the chest.. the nervousness…say just before taking an important test that i have totally not prepared for.. or when i am to speak impromptu on a topic that i know nothing about, in front of a big crowd(say at least 700-900 people).. I did all this.. I hosted a inter college meet.. I organised a fundraiser for an NGO.. I walked the ramp for a local designer..  I had tons of people telling me how pretty i looked.. and i stood 3rd in my university examinations this year ( about 600 students took the test).. i took on adventure sports.. i tried learning a foreign language.. i took a cookery class.. but nothing makes me feel “alive”.. or give me a sense of accomplishment…

I did a lot of things to keep myself busy.. i took up one art project after the other.. but nothing seems enough… Life has been hell.. both from with in and from outside..

everything that I do seems a irrelevant… I don’t feel a thing..!! No content.. no happiness or joy… I am just empty, i sometimes get these episodes that fill me with utter disgust, towards me.. and a feeling of unworthiness fills me… i feel that every thing around me is superficial.. i feel terribly sad sometimes(as if i have got the worst news i could ever get), but those episodes are also short and i get back to feeling nothing.. Neither empathy nor sympathy…

I see the people around me cracking jokes and laughing, i don’t wanna come out rude so i join them and pretend to ENJOY the jokes or be empathetic to some one in despair.. but its not real..!!

I am truly numb to everything around me.. i cannot explain the feeling, but its as if i have an invisible shield around me and nothing good or bad gets through.. my shield just reflects everything back..

I used to FEEL before, have a hearty laugh.. but i haven’t in a very very long time.. I feel dead… these days i just get up eat do what i am supposed to do and go to sleep.. I have tried being around people who used to make me “smile” before, but even that isn’t working anymore.. i just plaster a mask on my real emotions just so that i wouldn’t offend the people around me…

i was planning on CTB yesterday.. but i couldn’t go through with it.. today, i had some old friends contacting me out of the blue.. one of them told me how much he respected me.. another one said this:

i have put my plan on hold for the time being… Is there anyone else out there feeling the way i do?? does this ever get better??