Does anyone else often feel like they don’t matter? Like they’re alone in a crowd? Even amongst people who should be my friends, I feel like I don’t belong. Then again, I don’t think these people are real friends. Yesterday, I was at another party. Sitting there among a circle of people I know (people who are supposedly my friends), watching them talk and laugh about things that deep down I can’t truly relate to, I have never felt so alienated and disconnected. It was like I was an audience member watching a show I didn’t really enjoy or find all that funny.
It always seems to be the case that I don’t get back from friendships what I put in. I am introverted, and find it hard to get to know new people really fast, due to being bullied when I was younger and the fact that I have battled depression and self-harm on and off since my teens. But it’s not like I mope around being depressed and unpleasant in front of people. I hide that aspect of my life well, and for the most part I come across as a happy, “normal” (read as: non-depressed, non-suicidal) person. And once I get past my initial shyness and become friends with someone, I usually open up and am a caring, friendly, considerate and reliable friend (so I have been told). I am always nice to people and happy to help. I’m also quite empathetic and I try not to judge anyone, because I know how it hurts when people exclude you and make fun of you. And I don’t think I’m a boring person either – I’m often making people laugh and I get invited to their events.
Yet despite all this, it’s not enough and I somehow always end up at the outer edge of groups. I end up thinking that I’m quite good friends with people, only to realise eventually that they don’t view me as important as any of their other friends. That they practically don’t view me as a friend at all. I feel like I am so easily replaced. Yet they all like to use me. They don’t hesitate to come to me when they need a favour, because they know I am reliable and true to my word. They take advantage of my generosity, expecting me to contribute to birthday presents and the like, but they never can be bothered to do the same for me. I’m not being friends with them to get gifts, but I strongly believe in reciprocity in friendships. It’s more about the principle than the actual gift. When I have been giving presents to some people for the past two or three years, and they never once thought to give me anything back on my birthday, but they give our other friends presents…well, what does that show me? That they don’t care about my feelings at all. That they don’t value our friendship to the same extent I do.
I’m sick of it now. I’m sick of being the nice girl. I’m sick of always giving emotionally in friendships and never getting the same in return. Most of all, I’m just sick of people, and sick of being disappointed in them. There’s only so long that one can keep one’s hopes up about finding people that truly “get you” and genuinely like you for who you are (not what you can do for them) before one starts feeling disillusioned about human relationships in general. The same thing keeps happening no matter where I go. It happened in primary school, in high school, and now at university. I guess it just must be me. Yet I really don’t know what exactly it is that I do wrong.
So what exactly makes a “worthy” friend to these people then? It seems like these days people just want someone who can entertain them the most, someone who likes to drink and party. Someone who likes to gossip and ***** with them about a person they both don’t like. I thought friendship was about enjoying each other’s company, about accepting and liking the other person for who they are. I thought being a good friend meant being kind, being dependable, being trustworthy, being loyal. Nope, those things don’t matter as much. You have to be loud, out-going and fun-loving all the time. You have to crack crude jokes, and talk and laugh about meaningless things. Where can I find a friend who would like to have a conversation about the deeper, more meaningful things in life? Someone in real life who won’t judge me on the things I’ve gone through, like self-harm and suicidal thoughts? Someone willing to be there during the rainy days, not just during fair weather? There have been times when I have become so drained from maintaining my facade all the time, that my “happy” mask has slipped a bit, and I can’t help but let my depression show itself somewhat through the cracks. During those periods, I became more withdrawn and tired of making social efforts. But instead of asking me what was wrong, my so-called friends would all just scatter and disperse. It seems that people can only afford to stick around for the “good times” and leave you to deal with the “bad times” alone.
I have been struggling with low self-esteem/self-worth throughout my life and always finding myself amongst people that make me feel like I don’t even matter is making it worse. Most days I just feel so tired of it all, of life in general. I know this post made it sound I’m only depressed because of not having real friends, but there’s actually a lot more to my depression than just that. I feel as though even if I do find people I like, my depression and dark thoughts will always be at the back of my mind, ready to creep up and take over at any moment. There’s nothing I’d like more than to just go to sleep and not wake up. At the moment, I’m just here, merely existing.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this super-long post. I just needed to vent. I guess I wanted to get this off my chest and to see if there are others out there who can relate to feeling insignificant and invisible in this empty thing we call life.
16 comments
“Wha-at does ‘friend’ mean to you?
Word so wrongfully abused…
Are you like me, confused?
All included but you…”
All I can say is that there are people out there who feel exactly like you do. There are people who put on a smiley face, people who you may even know yourself, who feel exactly the same way as you.
Many people long for meaningful relationships. Keep in mind that people at your age, at least a good percentage of them, are only concerned about their own well being, no matter what they say. I know that I’ve gone through a good portion of my life not treating my lifelong best friend as well as he has treated me. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about him, just that it’s extremely difficult for me to actually care about others. Every year he brings me a gift yet I hardly ever return the favor. I feel terrible about it, yet I do nothing. I have no idea why. Maybe some of those people you consider superficial feel exactly like that. They want to care but they can’t or don’t know how to express it.
It’ll be okay, you’re bound to meet good friends eventually. Don’t worry.
Clevername:
Well, I did mention in my post some of the things I think it means to be a friend. Being kind and dependable, reciprocating, being there for them during the bad, willing to help them out, liking and accepting them for who they are and not what you can use them for. Mutual respect is important too.
I don’t know. Maybe my image of a friend is too idealistic. Perhaps you have a point. Maybe all this time I’ve thought I knew what “friend” means, when in reality I don’t and I’m just confused, as you say.
Badfish:
Thanks for the comment
No problem. This got me thinking so thanks to you and clevername. I think there are many different types of “friends”. Good friends who make you feel positive and help you when you need it. Bad friends, people you like being with but aren’t helping you be the best you can be. And best friends. People who you’ve probably experienced both good and bad times in the past and likely in the future. The ones who have been there for you for a long time long time
I think it’s a very loose definition in my book. What you’re looking for is not impossible, it’s just a type of friend you haven’t met yet.
Actually, it’s a song quote. It’s from “Frogs” by Alice In Chains.
I think it represents a similar experience with “friendship.”
That went right over my head and I like AIC, I feel pretty stupid right now
To the original poster here,
I know how you feel. Really I do.
I’m blind and love all people. I thought I had the best of friends at one point, but when it came to gifts and such, it was hardly appreciated. And I would never get anything back. I would do things for them, and they would give me a little, but I would always give them anything they needed. Nope, not the case for me. I’m graduateing high school this year so I know I’m a bit younger than you, but if you wish to email me, we can talk. I will not judge you or attempt to hurt you. I know what suicidal thoughts feel like and I know how hard life can be at times.
You can always write to me and I will listen. I will do my best to care and love you. Maybe it is because I know your story, or maybe it is because I don’t have a lot of close friends in my life, I don’t know.
My email address is brl.cents@gmail.com
I’m always willing to help you. Also, if you want to talk, please do not comment on this post, but rather email me. It is hard because of the devices I use to see this site, to go back and look at these threads.
On a completely different topic, a@bdfish, are you a sublime fan? I ask that because badfish is a song by a band called sublime, and it is awesome. Sorry for going off topic.
I get it. This is exactly how I feel. It seems like the people I care about are friendly, but I just don’t mean to them what they mean to me. I am easily forgotten, left out, ignored, and taken advantage of. There are days I wonder if anyone has thought of me. Everyone tells me that I am responsible for my own happiness, and I can worry about other people, but I can’t help but feel small and alone when the people I care for don’t seem to reciprocate.
I feel like this every day of my life. I have lots of great things going for me. I have a loving family and a child who is the center of my universe. The fact of the matter is that every single one of us, in the grand scale of everything in existence in this universe, individually we are all insignificant, but together, we hold a high significance. The people you speak of don’t deserve you. You are an amazing individual and all of us who relate to you, and understand you, greatly appreciate you. We all love you.
Ditto Life mine too.
I also kicked out of the job for the same reason… now I don’t have job and I am leaving to my country for good.
Thanks
Oh my god, nearly every word you wrote just applies to me. Please tell me you (or anyone) could find a “cure” to this since.
The only friends I have are who I’ve been known since childhood (I’m 25/M) but I’ve always been the edge of the group either. I can relate to them in some things and did some fun things while we were children but since then our minds went really different ways. They always make fun of me, I get invited last, etc.
The thing is that I got so tired of being the kind, helpful guy yet thrown away, I’ve just started to being hateful to EVERYONE (well since I got the same treatment at my job with colleagues).
I’ve got invited to spend holiday with them in 3 days, we’ve even paid a part for the apartment and I’m starting to consider not going at all because of this situation. Even now my opinions doesn’t matter to them about the trip, so my best bet is to go but spend most of the time alone I think.
So please tell me there’s some solution to this, I make new friends hard or not at all, and if I make one, I too always end up in the same situation. A solution that is not suicide ._. (I only found this blog from googling up the topic). I feel like there’s no option to remain the same guy and having real friends at the same time… tho I don’t think these other people have REAL friends either.
rokalacs:
noticed you posted this yesterday..
I thought becoming an adult would make this situation stop, but it never has. All of my friends have publicly disowned me or simply don’t respond. You start to think if it keeps happening, it must be me. But most of the reasons are out of my control.
They say happiness comes NOT from the quantity of our relationships but the quality, the closeness. If we had just one or two solid friends to have lunch with, to hang out with on the weekends, I don’t think it’d be so bad.
I also don’t have the most supportive family. I wonder how many people here have a family that doesn’t seem to care about or accept the person for who they are. It can make you feel pretty lonely.
It just takes one or two people to improve someone’e self esteem, to give them a /positive/ sense of self. And yet, most people are so shallow they can’t seem to do it. Not even for their long time friends or family. No compassion, nothing.
That’s all I have. just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I’m still googling for the answer. but mostly finding other people who feel the same way.
Well, at least I have one real friend left, tho when we’re in a group of course he goes with the group instead, I might be pretty stubborn with some things but I wouldn’t feel myself if I did everything just because the others do it too.
I was working a night shift today, and had the time to think if maybe it’s really me who is wrong. “Maybe I am just a whiny ***** or rebelling against everything what’s said to be the norm” – which is somewhat true sometimes. But then I asked myself “Would I still be myself if I’d do the things I don’t like (besides work) just to be part of something where I don’t really feel to belong?”. Then I realized with that 1 friend that I just think too much about it, but sometimes like the time I wrote that comment, I just couldn’t help myself but hate everything.
Maybe I’m afraid of losing that 1 friend either to the group or in any way, I don’t know. But I said to myself I’ll just do whatever I’d like whoever might follow me or none.
Most people said to me to find new friends with a hobby of mine but I don’t have any hobbies for real. I read some days ago that it could be a problem that I enjoy doing much stuff but just a little bit of everything and I don’t fit into the “strict rules of the group (activities)”.
My family is torn apart either so that doesn’t help for me too. My self esteem is so low, but I’m a hard worker in things which I love or hope to reach.
As my head is a bit more clear now, I feel like it’s similar to a breakup, only luck and time could help and pushing yourself up from the mud. Then if you do your things without thinking about what others think or need, then you could get some respect and/or self esteem.
If anyone has some other ideas would love to hear it, but as strange as it sounds, I don’t want to abandon my somewhat friends.
Hey if you are still hear I am strongly wiling to explain this to you and help you understand. I too am having suicide thoughts and I do feel exactly like you. I can help you, but it might be hard to understand so it’s okay if it doesn’t make so much sense.
Hi chloez this thread above explains my life to a tee, I would love an explanation, these things just don’t get any easier, I’ve been dealing with depression since age 13 (now 36) and been expendable since I cam remember and totally insignificant to others and I’m just about at the point now where I think the world and life is telling me I have no purpose here anymore or never did