Stuck

I got to this point where I didn’t want to die. I saw my future for the first time in years. I thought I had a future. I thought maybe I mattered, that maybe I could survive, that people liked me and I could handle relationships. I was so wrong. Here I am, in college sitting in my closet, wanting to escape again. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t have enough left in me to keep going. But I also made the mistake, in the time that I was feeling ok about myself and my life, to get attached to people again. I had stopped caring before. I had been smart enough to detach myself from their reality. But now I care too much, and I know that people care about me. Yet, how can I continue? I’ll never get my degree. I’ll never really fit in with any person or group of people. I’ll never find a career that I love and desire. I’ll never be good enough for myself or anyone else. I’ll never find a love that could endure my mental health fiasco. I’ll never feel better. I just can’t take much more of this existence. I hate to think that my life is draining anyone else, but I know it is. I know people are worried about me. I know they care too much and don’t understand enough to try and help. It’s exhausting, and nobody deserves that. Even my own counselor won’t answer my emails. I do hope that things are ok with her. I would never want to be here feeling sorry for myself because she won’t answer only to find out that she’s sick or something terrible happened. I don’t know. I’m just so self-centered and selfish. I try to help others, but I’m so insecure that it’s hard. I just wish there were more options, but I’m stuck.