Time to stop trying

Ever since I can remember I have never been happy, I have always plastered on a smile to easy other peoples minds, to make it seem like I’m not bothered by my small wasted life. I’m drained, for years I have been fighting off suicidal thoughts but now it’s getting to hard, I don’t want to die, it will fuck up my family and friends but at the same time I can’t hold on for much longer, nothing I do helps, I go to every doctor to get anti depressants  I’m scared of doing it, I’m scared of not doing it and living I’m scared and anxious and I don’t know how to fix it they work for a bit then I’m back to square one. I move to a much nicer and happier country, its good for about a month then I’m plunged back into this never ending darkness. So I move towns to be with my best friend, walking on eggs shells the whole time so I don’t upset her boyfriend and world war 3 breaks out but I think it has because now I’m meant to leave soon. But to where? I’m over trying to fix my head, why can’t the movies happen to me? Someone comes in and does all the saving for me? I’m starting to think it can’t be fixed, it’s natural selection right? The weak must die and the strong must live. I’ve tried so many times to get it right but maybe its time to stop fooling everyone and admit defeat? My brain wont get any better, not after 15 or so years.