no more daylight

been awhile since i have been here. the summer months are usually better for me depression wise. i can write with relative impunity knowing that those who know me will not likely see this. not that i  have any real bombshell to  unleash. same ole shit just different day. while i enjoy fall for football season i hate it for the upcoming extended darkness. my mood becomes darker along with the shortened daylight hours. trying to come up with a strategy to combat this but i am not too confident . it has been this way for x amount of years why should 2013 be any different? i am currently taking 6 different drugs to combat severe depression. this cocktail has gotten me through the summer without any major suicidal inklings but i don’t think it will cut it in the fall and winter. the pro-death side of me is still there, still talking to me , trying to wear me down. almost like a devil sitting on my shoulder. or a persistent lobbyist. i was hoping to get more adderall to give me some energy and spur some weight loss. but the last few days my bp has been high, i am having random chest pains, and feel physically fatigued. all that does not add up to an increase in adderall. bummer. the dark side of me has been keeping her eyes open for a weapon of personal destruction. never know what one may find at an auction or sale. all depends on whose voice is loudest at the time.  i am so tired .