So

It has come to my attention that my disease is never going away. It is incurable. I’ve recently talked to a woman that is now 83, who has been on pills for this since she was 18. I’m 16. Never again can i spend the night, spur of the moment. If i miss too many pills they tell me my body will go into shock. That’s nice. I’m worried about my future, can i even have a child? I’ve researched that it may be complicated, depending. I have a higher chance for getting cancer. I have a chance of going blind. All these nice little “maybes” that are most likely in my future.
I’m tired of crying myself to sleep every night. I hate feeling like some pill addict when i drop my pill bottle and have to pick them all up, the pills I have to take in order to live a somewhat comfortable life. Instead of 18 pills a day in down to 12. They still make me gag, there so big. I can’t consume alchol, my body cant take it. I won’t ever be able to have that 21st birthday that ive always dreamed about. I can’t drink at the partys i go too. I’m a teenager, i want to experience being “drunk”. Am i wrong?
I’ve attempted suicide, it failed. I seem to be coming out of this dark pit, the one that feels like its swallowing my chest. When my boyfriend found out, he got teary eyed. I felt like shit for having to make a boy cry. I need to stop, for my sake and his, for he’s the only one who truely knows my thought process. I’m just so done. God i hate it. SO MUCH. It’s never going away. I’m the only one I know who has it.
Crhons disease. Your probable thinking, “so what, at least its not cancer, how bad can it really be? your just a complainer.”. Thats what i think anyway. But in reality its a living hell, one where you fill up the toilet bowl with blood, and you stopped telling people so they wont put you on more meds. Where you have pain, so intense that getting a tattoo feels better (yes, ive gotten one recently on my hipbone), this is how i know I can tolerate pain. I especially like how i now dry heave every morning. Thats a newie. This is going to be my life until i either A) die of natural causes, B) die of an accident, or C) commit suicide. sigh. Peachy. No, I’m not gonna ask my dr. for trying new meds. I want to be off them. Completely. I thought that was a possibility until i was crushed by hearing that older woman’s story. Happy days are here.