Taken from Robert Crumb’s Plunge Into The Depths Of Despair (1983)
And if anyone wants these comic strips in a PDF form:
I sometimes drift
Back and forth
Thinking that it’s alright
Then plummeting again
While a glance
Tells of hope
A daily friend
Sees your sorrow
But dismissed it
All the same
On the edge
I found reasons
But they’re not enough
So I am begging
Kill my loved ones
So I can finally die
Why has it gotten to this point? I have waited so long but the last one is broken.
The last one has spoken words to me that verify my twisted thoughts.
My presence causes pain and suffering. It has caused this one even more than it has myself.
Why has it gotten to this point?
Is it my fault? I believe it is, but the voice within says it could be my doing and that of my existence as well.
I wish I could bring good news, I truly do, but I hold only sorrow.
Perhaps one day there will be good news.
I have not hoped for this to occur but it can’t be help. What can I do to change this? Nothing? Really?
One day, I say to myself, one day it will all be over.
One day I shall close my eyes in death and it will all be over.
I shall shut my eyes and I shall feed the earth.
Flowers and trees shall grow from my ashes.
That day, I shall finally be doing good to the earth.
This I promise you.
Do not worry for me but know this, in you I see hope and much more to give to the world.
Carry on, life may not be fair but you can survive. You have definitely survived this much
why can’t anyone ever help me? I’m sitting here with a razor googling how to correctly slit my throat. Yes it’s gruesome but I want them, my family, cousins, ex friends to see that I’m not lying. My depression has a hold on me. They all say get over it. Stop faking it. Stop saying your going to kill yourself. So my previous attempts were what?! Bullshit?!?!
I haven’t showered in weeks. I’m 45 kilos. Not to be stuck up but I’m pretty and naturally blessed with my body. Now… I can’t get up and shower.. I stink. My face is hollow. They say shower seriously, If it was that easy wouldn’t I have done it by now I tell them. Why can’t my sister pick me up and help me shower? Why do they knock on my door to get shoes or a handbag. Am I that hard on the outside? Don’t they see or feel my pain? Im their sibling, their daughter. I’m slowly rotting and dying. HELP ME YOU SELFISH PIGS. IVE ALWAYS ALWAYS BEEN THER FOR YOU ALL. why ? I told you all this week I’m suffering depression. You’ve seen my locked in my room for over two months now.
its like I’m split down the middle. I want to fix it all and then the other half I want to die.
How am I this sad? Why? Well I know why (my life that’s truely a long ass woah movie) but honestly like WHHHYYYYY? Apparently God only puts you through what you can handle. But I don’t want this. why can’t I be normal? Fall in love get married have a home and children. Why was this path chosen?
Im so scared to die because what if my religion is bullshit? Or worse it’s true?! 15 years of depression complex ptsd, anxiety and drug addiction. When’s it going to stop?!?! I’m sick of living like this.
The f*cked up thing is I don’t know if I want to be good or to be bad. I keep bouncing between the two. I’ve been doing on off good bad 15 years and now two months ago I did something terrible. I regret it and I don’t. I hate that he’s in pain I want it to go even though he shattered my heart. I’m the type I treat you so good and will help you no matter what but when you screw me over…. I’m ruthless. That’s a whole other story which slipped me into this depression.
Now I sit here ribs crushing from anxiety, my brain hurting trying to decide do I die now?
I know go therapy blah blah blah yes I know. I have. But now. NOW.
My families broken. I’m getting the blame. Always do. Why but? I’m not stupid I know right from wrong and I can admit my faults. Why can’t one of them fix what’s going on with us. I’m sick and tired of being the parent. I can’t take it. Someone help me. Every time I come home I want to use. I just got clean. It’s screwing with me. They are killing meeeee. Its a long story why I can’t leave and live alone.
i can’t see tomorrow, next week or next year. Get me out of this bed, I don’t want to cry no more, I don’t want anyone upset. Zap my brain erase everything back to I was ten. Fake my death run away. Or God take my soul pleasssseeeeee my heart hurts so much. Or do I cut my throat properly were I’ve marked it so I don’t miss this time? Why is this so hard. Why why why can’t I be normal?
I don’t know.. all I know I don’t want to feel like this or live like this. I’m trapped.
– beautiful monster
My suicide note. I’m still working on it. I’m still waiting for help even though I know I’m only fake hoping. I don’t have a purpose anymore. Living is a torture every single day. I set myself a date. I planned everything. I’m pretty hopeless.
Anyways. Here you go, enjoy? I don’t know. Do whatever you want to do with this:
Hey. It’s me. I’m that shitty girl who killed herself because she’s a weak-ass depressed kid who’s only great at complaining and seeking for attention. You probably heard about me now, you’re probably gossiping about it. Anyways, I’m writing this letter because soon enough I’ll be gone. And soon enough drama will come, people will care, blaming themselves for not caring at all. Soon enough, people will question everything, and ask why. Oh wait, not soon enough. I forgot, I’m already dead, has drama started yet? How’s it? Don’t worry okay? This is going to be fun, we’re going to get through this. Word by word. Letter by letter. I’m going to tell you, why I ended my life. You see, I experienced the worst pain. A pain you could never imagine how hurtful it is. Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. A pain that caused me to say that it’s easier to end my life, than live a life I never wanted, a life that I didn’t choose. The life that made myself… me. What do you expect me to do? How do I react if I never felt like my life is worth living?
So hey, I know some cared. I may hate myself, maybe I’m quite stupid, maybe what they say is indeed true. But I think people actually cared, just not enough. Is that right? Well, forget it. I will never know anyway, well literally because you can’t tell me after, I’m still dead. You see, I hate not knowing what to believe anymore. I hate not knowing what’s real. Maybe I just wanted someone to actually care and maybe that someone, approach me for once, and say, “Hey, are you going to kill yourself? Please no, please I care. Please don’t do that. I’m not going to leave you until you beat this.” Well, I guess that’s not gonna happen. It’s never gonna happen. In reality, it’s only my words anyway. To be honest though, someone actually said something similar, but they didn’t stay, they didn’t actually cared. They lend me a hand, the next day they thought everything was already fine. There’s no drama, therefore they let me fall. They said they miss me, but never made an effort to contact me, to ask how I’m doing?. I’m always the one who approaches them. They never knew what’s going on with my life, they never knew me at all. Isn’t that right friends? Bullshit. Lies.
People are stupid. I know I am too, but when it comes to reality and not just those shit they teach at school, they’re hopeless. You guys never understood suicide, you never will. Not until you become one like me and end up being a fucked-up, am I right? You think just because I don’t have a big reason to kill myself, just because I don’t have cancer or whatever shitty worse problems other people have, they’re the only ones that has the right to suicide. That only they’re allowed to use a rope, a gun, or a blade to kill themselves. It’s not how it works. Suicide doesn’t work like that. You can’t expect me to have the same tolerance level as yours. I have my own tolerance of pain too. Just because you didn’t felt what I felt, just because you see my pain as a small problem, doesn’t mean you’re stronger than I am?. I see it as something so hurtful. Depression is a silent killer. It doesn’t mean that if you can’t? see or feel it, it isn’t there. No, you can’t call me weak just like you fucking did. Like what you guys fucking did just because I’m scared of the pain. You can’t call yourself strong just because you can live your shitty life and that others like me decided to end theirs too. That I decided to end mine. It makes you a fucking coward. It makes you an asshole. You have no idea how much I tried to fight before I even gave up. You never knew me, you only see me as someone who lost a fight. The same as how you fucking called? me stupid, you guys don’t know how hard I was trying. Instead of helping me you guys decided to call me stupid. Shouted at me. Embarrassed me in front of the class. ‘Teachers’? Yeah right. But hey I can’t blame you though, instead, I’m going to live up with the title stupid. Oh wait, not live up, because I’m dead. I died, I died with the label stupid. They will remember me as a stupid piece of shit, a pain in the ass. Thanks for helping me destroy everything, my confidence, myself. I learned that I really am hopeless, I know that now.
You see (*insert names*). When people are different; More specifically, different from you. You instantly think they’re a disgrace, a thing that you can just throw around not knowing they have feelings too. That when, for example, a girl fucking had sex with someone in her teenage years, they’re already a slut. And if they don’t agree with you, you immediately label them as, assholes and ignorants. The funny thing is though, you guys are one of the most ignorant assholes I’ve ever met. Wake the fuck up, you’re not the basis of normality. People like you don’t deserve to be praised. You are no different from people who actually killed somebody. You won’t get anything from backstabbing, you won’t get anything from bullying others. The moment you judged other people; that moment when you judged me. You killed my soul. You killed my individuality. You killed me. Society killed me. You guys kill suicidal people. You destroyed me just because I was being myself.
I killed myself because nobody made me feel alive. Nobody saved me from dying, you didn’t try hard enough. When you guys are killing me, when I was dying. It just never stops. The worst thing is though, it also gets worse every second. Don’t worry. You guys aren’t alone, the world itself is a fucked up. You guys see me as a happy little shit. I smiled at you, told you how my day ‘went well’. I even tried approach you when you were fucking sad and cheer you up. Some pushed me away but that didn’t stopped me from helping, from being friends with you. You even saw my biggest smile, heard my loudest laugh. I’m quite disappointed to see on how stupid you are. You never saw me behind those. Did you even care? Because I’m a lonely ass person who relied on my fake friends. You don’t even know me, you never asked how I’m doing. You never tried to contact me just to fucking catch up. You miss me? Fuck you. You never knew what was going on with me. You never knew I’m depressed, you were supposed to be there when I needed it. You were supposed to call me because I was suicidal or because I was cutting myself again, because I was fucking attempted so many goddamn times to end my life. Oh, you didn’t know that? I never knew what to do or how to deal with depression. You were supposed to help me but nobody bothered to. Isn’t that what friends are for? Family then? No? Well I know what exactly friends are for. You aren’t friends. I’m so fucking lucky to even find real friends across the world. They’re fucking across the world, countries away from me. But I trust them more than you guys. And I never trusted anyone for so long because you broke my trust. You broke my spirit. Now you care because it’s too late. Now tell me if I’m still your laughingstock. But don’t worry, I don’t give a fucking damn anymore. I tried to understand you, because I know behind your attitude are people in their shitty lives. I tried to understand you guys, if I didn’t, then you probably end up like me. And you have no idea how painful it is.
Sometimes I wonder if really did wasted my life, if I should’ve done this sooner. Because right now, society is a mess. Society is an asshole. Everyone is an ignorant. If you knew that someone is gay, you immediately criticize them, and laugh at them for being themselves. You make the word ‘gay’ feel like it’s an insult. And quote something like they will go to hell because god told them not be gay, because being gay is a sin technically. Nobody seemed to care. If there’s someone with depression asked for help, you see them as just seeking for attention. You will tell them to just get over it, move the fuck on because it’s that easy isn’t it? In the end, if they ended their lives, you now suddenly care, you give ‘sympathy’ towards them because they decided to end the pain. You fucking hypocrites?. You guys care when it’s too late. You only act when it’s over. You’re gonna wait until suicidal people die before you move. And you think this is a phase? You think depression and suicide is phase? Well it’s? not. WAKE. UP. You can’t get over depression. It’s not a shitty ass thing that you can get over with this overwhelming pills that my psychiatrist told me to take. Suicide is real, and you can’t stop it. It always pull you back no matter how hard you try to run. Because you know, it was my problem at first. But unexpectedly, it became my last solution.
I’ve got a major problem.
I guess I can’t go on anymore.
I think that I’ve been cheated. I think god(or whoever who created me) didn’t have any right to create me against my own will. all religious people react to that in a very bad way. they laugh at me, they humiliate me (and say I have no right to decide about want god should do and what not); and some of them who are not so arrogant try to make excuses for god’s doings. I hate all those people who love god for no good reason. happy people (I tend to call them “happy”) believe that our creation is a sort of god’s mercy. they think that we owe this wonderful opportunity to god. I wouldn’t call this life “a wonderful opportunity”. it’s a mixture of good and bad (I don’t deny some good things in it) but I hate the bad part so much that I prefer not to experience it at all. my problem won’t be solved even by dying, because there is no way to be assured that you will be free after death. it’s most likely to end up somewhere like this (or even worse) and I guess that god wouldn’t just let me go. I don’t know why god has created someone who hates being alive so much. why didn’t god created me like one of those “happy” people? why god created someone like me? someone so unsatisfied of everything. does he want me to suffer? I surely was innocent at first, so he’s punishing me for what? doesn’t he really see me? doesn’t he really realize that i’m suffering because of some mistake he is responsible for? is god so unaware of his children or he just doesn’t care about us? if i’m wrong and there is some answers to my questions, why doesn’t he help me find them? why doesn’t he feel responsible for me? he is the one who created me! he has to make sure that I (at least) am not suffering. I don’t want this life but here I am anyway, and the one who created me doesn’t care about me (if he does, he should show it to me! otherwise no one can blame me for hating him)
please don’t say happy things like “god has spoken to you already! you just don’t realize it!” because if god speaks to me in a way that I cannot understand, so he better go speak to himself.
some may think that my dissatisfaction is because I don’t worship god. but if I worship someone who I don’t believe in, my faith doesn’t mean anything.
I just want my right to decide for ‘being” or “not being”
sometimes I wonder if there is anybody in the universe who thinks like me.
thank you for reading this. may the god finally see us.
Even now, in the middle of the night, my mother makes me feel like shit.
I am currently working on some dumb project for university. I’m in the living room.
My mother came and told me: “You are the worst daughter of the world. You won’t let me sleep with your constant typing. I’m going to an hotel because I NEED to work to earn money for me and your dumb ass. You cost me a lot of money and that’s how you retribute me? Ungrateful little shit” *slam*
But, it’s not like I even wanted to study in the first place?? I’m doing this because you ordered me and now you’re upset? You blame me? I don’t understand.
I wanted to start working but no, you put that restriction and nobody will give me job. And even if I somehow managed to get one you will steal all my money.
Why am I waiting until August 15th? Why?
Why are you’s trying to hurt me ?
Make me bleed , make me crazy.
Why make me feel useless ,worthless make me grovel?
Why hold me down and destroy me take my life away , break me ?
Just let me go stop hurting me please I can’t take it anymore .
Anything I had ,you belittled made it crap, shitty, garbage.
I trusted you all stop hurting me.
Why make feel so wothless?
Why do you’s want me this way?
What do you get a crushed hopeless girl?
I was chiped and cracked before. why did you let them shatter and throw away the pieces.
You lied all you’s lied why?
Why are you’s giving me the reasons not to live .
I seem to meet, know or find the people who suffer the most. And why me, when I have nothing and can do nothing to help? An old friend of mine has been through a lot of hell in his life. He just found out through his dad admitting it, that his dad beat and kicked his mom while she was pregnant to try to kill him as a baby. And that’s why he never had his parents in his life. They hated him from the start. And he thought he had just reconnected with his mom, but I guess she was faking it because he got a good sum of money from his husband who died recently With which he took that money to buy a house. Then his family turned on him yet again, and once again put him out of a home – one that he paid for in full. He’s just one of my friends who live with constant suffering. 🙁
So there is this girl that I like at my high school, but i am too much of a ***** to ask her out. It’s just that why would she, or anyone for that matter, want to be with someone who is suicidal? I like her a lot though and I would like to think that being with her would change that. Like hell, when I’m around her, I can’t help but smile. But always when I get home, I just start thinking, “Would anyone really miss me?” Besides, in early November, I was such an asshole to her that she stopped talking to me for a little over two months. When she started messaging me again, I was so surprised. But either way if I did ask her, the chances her liking me the same way back is miniscule. Any advice?
Waiting… for someone
Waiting… for some time
Waiting.. Waiting.. why?
Always waiting for things to ‘get better’
Time to ‘feel better’
Better has eluded me for 30 years now –
I think that 30 years is far too long to wait.
I just want to close my eyes and be gone.
Endless waiting vs. endless sleep?
I choose endless sleep
And just when you find a flicker of hope,
you realize all you saw, was a reflection in
the mirror, a glimmer now gone, so too is my resolve
It’s been hard, very hard, there are times in which I was fine, others in which I was simply “better”, I feel simply weak, like I’ve seen people passing for things so much more complicated than me and yet I keep asking myself. Why to live? What is the meaning of all this? Why keep feeling all this sadness, I can’t fix some things, I can’t fix my life and I can’t talk with anyone about these things, I don’t have family or friends to speak about it, that’s hard, having to act like I’m fine, HAVING to be fine,why do I have to be fine all the time? Why the world can be simply so cruel? I just want some hope, some real reason to be alive, to really want to live. For many years I’ve been better but the last 5 years made me get a lot worse, I just want someone who could listen to me… take me out of this loneliness in which I’ve been for so long…
I sit here in front of you and read everyone of your posts, and the shits crazy. My love for you is unconditional yet I’m not enough , I have my insecurities, my thoughts , we have our arguments , but your telling me everyday I let you down, every day in not enough for you to keep going. I asked myself , and I come to think I’m the reason , I made you make that promise for a reason. I want us to grow, I dont want our kids to see mommy or vonna have a new cut everyday , I don’t want to have to tell them “me and mommy dealt with shit different and we still are.” Its not fair to me. The one thing I actually wanted the one thing that would better us you still did. I love you no matter what , I will always love you and I will die for our love in a heart beat , no matter what. If you need me I will be there. I’ve never left. I haven’t stopped loving you and I wont start now. My life is yours , so if you end yours, you end mine, dangerously In love baby.