Yes, I am still here. Sadly.
I really don’t wanna be here. But, I don’t have the balls to do it myself. I keep thinking about that day when I wanted to go up to the police officers and try to take his gun… I’m currently at home. But the place where those thoughts took place at.. isn’t too far from me. Maybe? Am I crazy to wanna try it? To want to end up dead? Maybe. I dunno. All hope is lost. There is no sense in trying anything anymore. I just merely exist. For what purpose? None. Yeah.. I need help. But from the mouths of many people “you cannot help someone that doesn’t wanna help themselves.” That isn’t true in my case. I want help, Im just scared to ask for it. Scared to get judged because what are people going to think of me? Think of me if I ask for a intensive therapy? What would anyone think if I tried to commit suicide again. Tonight? Or any night of the week. What would people say as judgmental and hateful thoughts ran across their minds. But their mouths speak with so much sincerity, only to deceive my ears.  & I end up back in a place so alone & so dark.. Eh, who cares right? I don’t. All hope is lost. All hope is gone.
Sorry for wasting your time again. Thanks for reading though.
Jessica
2 comments
Hey Jessica,
wow – I know this is mighty hypocritical of myself, but I hope you rethink this.
First, I think you still have (at a minimum) a glimmer of hope within yourself. If you really had no hope. Well, I doubt you would be here.
So – that being said. Assuming there is still a glimmer of hope within your heart, then there is a chance of living again.
Can I ask a few questions???
Are you taking any meds currently? Does your family know that you have tried suicide before? What is your fear of letting them know that you are in a bad place right now??
Here is why I ask….
1. I want to know if your meds are working (which would also tell me that you are seeing a shrink).
2. I could rest at ease (a little) that there is someone there who cares about you and is in place as part of your safety plan.
3. I wonder about your willingness/willfulness.
I do know some of what you are feeling. Last night I was contemplating hanging myself. I still am. I am on meds and I see 3 (soon to be 4) shrinks. So, I am certainly NOT trying to be ‘holier than thou’. I know the pain. I know the hurt. I know when your heart is so broken that you struggle to feel *anything*.
Hang in there. Gods blessings to ya.
Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. If you’re dead, you cannot correct their assumptions. If you’re dead, you cannot change anything. If you’re dead, you cannot find that freedom within you that “they” suppress when you’re worried about what they may think.