The Light In The Darkness

I didn’t think I was going to have to trade words in exchange for anyone’s life tonight :)  but if there is even the slightest chance that my story will help you….

I grew up on a farm in a rural part of the world. My father is a cold hard man but beat me every time I didn’t do as he told me to. I still have nightmares about his rage that make me feel as helpless as a child sometimes. My mother was a loving but very quiet person she used to try and stop my father when his temper boiled over but after a few beatings of her own that soon stopped as well. I have an older brother and sister. (Like Ender!) My brother was cruel to me my whole life, he saw how my father treated us, monkey see monkey do. I hated them both for a long time. My sister and mother were the only two people truly loved and cared for in my childhood. Always they were nice to me.

It was not all bad at home, most of the time I was playing in the forests or away at friends houses, or just working on the farm. It was only when father had a bad day that we had a bad day. Still though, I was scared most of the time as a child shouldn’t be. So it is the predominant feeling when I think of childhood.

I worked hard in school even though I am not really that smart, I have never really had any really close friends, I used to eat lunch with people but we were soft of a band of losers or outcasts, nothing in common except individuality. I got a scholarship to a good uni and started to settle in. I started to go out and make friends!! But the depression never really went away and soon I became a recluse and stayed in my room even when there was parties in the house. I cannot describe the feeling. it was just a fear of people, a fear of rejection, or being ridiculed. So I hid. I locked my door and college passed by outside.

In my third year of college the depression got really bad, I started getting ulcers from stress and pains in my chest and stomach. I was on anti-depressants and ulcer meds but I still felt like shit. One of my lowest points. I was no longer living with friends, I was to unsociable for them to live with me again, so I was in a house of strangers. One night I was curled up in my room crying from the pain, loneliness and depression. I decide to try and cut my wrist. and I did. However I didn’t die, I panicked when I saw the blood and went to the clinic and got patched up. I told them I got into a bar fight someone cut me with a knife. No enquiries.

Halfway through third year I had to go on work placement and this may have been part of the reason I surived. I moved to a small town on the edge of small country. For eight months I felt alone and depressed, but not afraid. I made no friends in this new city, I have always been a lone wolf. But I did not get worse either. I read a lot of books and I had a lot of time alone to think. It helped a little.

When I returned to college for my final year the pain returned, only worse than before. My depression speeding along behind it. Always there, just waiting to remind you that its there to take the smile from your face in a glad moment. That’s when I went to the park and decided to die.

Then I got that text from my mom and I went to get help, it was that or death. I would not fail this time. The councillor I went to saved my life. We worked through al my stress and childhood and fears of rejection and violence. Words will never be enough to describe what that woman did for me. She saved me. She is my hero, knight in shining armour. The light in the darkness.

Since then I have built on the things she taught me, I meditate every day, I exercise a lot, I try to never eat a meal alone. I met a nice girl who is happy with me. Its all I have ever wanted to make a girl happy. I would do anything for her. I love her.

I also have a full time job now, just started last month, in IT.

My life was pretty shitty. I was depressed most of my life, being happy is strange at first, but it gets easier fast. Happiness comes easily to humans when you don’t fight it.

I don’t have any magic solution or words of wisdom to save anyone. All I know is I wanted to die. And now I want to live. It is possible. please don’t forget that.