Last tuesday he asked me why I was so sad and I really wanted to answer properly. I did not want to say “I don’t know”, as all the other times. I wanted him to know that I wanted to tell him – i wanted him to know how much I needed to tell him. But I couldn’t get a word past my tongue, because I really didn’t know. I wish there was a reason, you know? Sometimes it would be a whole lot easier if I just knew, that I could say I was abused as a child and that’s why I have suicidal thoughts. But it’s not that easy. Not that I think it’s easy if you’ve been abused, I don’t think it is. But it’s just so hard when people are trying to help you and all you can do is sit and tell them that you don’t know anything, that you don’t know why your whole body is bruised and cut and you don’t know why you feel like jumping out of the window, it’s just in you, like a constant reminder that you are not okay and that you do not deserve to be here.. And it hurts, it fucking hurts. Not knowing how to make the pain stop, the only thing I find relief in is cutting. It makes me feel like I’m still alive, even when I feel as dead as the ones buried in the cemetery just across the street. When I don’t cut, I feel so numb and meaningless, it feels like I could just as well be dead than be here. I don’t know, this will probably sound stupid but I’m not even sure I want to feel alive again.. I think I remember how it was and it wasn’t even nice. It was hurtful. And I don’t think I can go through it. The only thing that’s keeping me here is him and he’s only holding on to me with one hand, while the rest of me is falling out of the window. Will he be enough to save me? To make me want to feel again? Or will he be the one to let go and make the feelings go away?
2 comments
Tell him how you feel, if he truly cares about you he’ll do whatever he can to help you.
My girlfriend and I have been depressed for quite a long time, but neither of us would tell each other what was up. She cuts, and when she told me it hurt like nothing else, but I helped her through it, we talked about it and she hasn’t cut in over a month now. I wish you luck in whatever your choice may be.
Everything you have just said, except for having someone, is exactly how I feel. The only thing holding me here is fear of the next world, and an absolute need to make sense of my life and to help someone or something somewhere. What holds me is this thing inside me that wants to help everyone and everything and to give up on myself and my happiness to make sure the rest of the world never feels pain like my inner turmoil.
Just because you don’t have a ‘reason’ doesn’t make your pain any less real than someone who was or is abused, it just makes it different.
If you love and trust him, tell him all that you’ve posted, and he will understand if he cares for you. And if he doesn’t understand, make him.