I should be happy. Â I’m married, I have children. Â I have a supportive spouse. Â Society says I should be happy. Â The thing is, I was a lot happier before I had to “settle down.” I liked having money. Â I liked being able to do whatever I damn well pleased. Â If I wanted to go out every night, I could do it. Â If I wanted to go to the movies for the hell of it, I could do it. Â I could buy things that I wanted. Â There was no guilt or bad feelings. I was free to do as I pleased. Â And I was happy.
I don’t want to sound callous or imply that I don’t love my children – quite the opposite.  I struggle every day to bring home enough money to provide for my family.  I’m even taking on a full college course load in the hopes of one day improving our financial situation.  I do what needs to be done.  Does it bring me any kind of happiness or satisfaction?  Hell, no.  What I do is not enough.  It’s never enough.  I love my kids, but I hate the responsibility that comes with being a parent.  I never wanted it.  I suppose that makes me a bad person.  Normal adults are supposed to put away those childish thoughts of living a life of freedom, and take even more pleasure out of raising a family.  I’m just not capable of taking pleasure from that kind of life.  And I feel guilty as hell because of it.
Being in college with all these kids who have their whole lives ahead of them makes me wish I hadn’t squandered mine. Â I wish I had “lived” a little more before settling down. Â I take that back – I wish I had “lived” at all before setting down. Â If my life were a video game, I’d have hit the reset button a long time ago.
I fantasize about running away. Â About living alone. Â That’s not an option. Â It would solve nothing, and only serve to give me happiness at others’ expense. Â I couldn’t live with myself in that situation.
But I have a decent life insurance policy. Â If I were dead, I’d finally get some semblance of peace, and the family would get financial stability.
It’s hard not to see that as a viable option.
8 comments
Life insurance doesn’t pay on a suicide. I know because my mother will now struggle financially because my father took his own life even though he had multiple life insurance policies. Your spouse needs you, your family needs you. Use them as your rock and one day if not today, they will appreciate your hard work. There isn’t a day that goes by that my life isn’t affected by losing my father to suicide. You will forever change your kids life and the money will never heal their wound. Please stay strong for them.
You don’t need to feel guilty, I think most people go through a mourning period of what they wish their lives could have been if they had taken a different path. Truly you are not alone. Take a moment for yourself today, eat a candy bar it’s Halloween, this holiday is not just for the kids. trick or treat
I know what you mean. I love my daughter so much. She is everything to me. At the same time tho, I had her young and raised her alone so I never really had any sort of regular youth. My life was always full of the responsibilities that come with being a mom. And she was super tough too. It’s really not at all the reason that I want to die, but I do understand your guilt related to the feeling of being a bad or less than enthusiastic parent. Especially that now I see the difference in these moms who were my high school friends who now have young children and are married. They are so enthusiastic about being parents and those children are so lucky to have that. I feel guilty every second for not having been that kind of mom, even tho I guess I, like you, tried to do my best regardless. Just another reason that I hate my life. Guilt over fucking everything, but that is definitely a big cause for me too. Ugh, why can’t I just disappear?
Oh and btw, I checked into life insurance policies and they do not pay for suicide related deaths. The only way is if they have no doubt that it was natural or accidental.
Thanks for the perspective. There are a lot of posts that show me a lot about how others live, but that I don’t have any advice for. This is one of them, but I do appreciate your story, and I can understand your view of things.
I’m on the other side of things. I’m 33 year old male, I’ve had plenty of chances to settle down, but the thought of the responsibilities of a family seem overwhelming. I often have a tinge of envy for those who do have children. I would get some satisfaction in watching a child grow. Although I would be afraid that they would inherit my depressive personality. On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t have children.
Good point Frumpuccino. I forgot to mention that. I see so much of my personality in my daughter that it’s scary. That is another thing that worries me to no end. And also causes me guilt for having brought a child into this world to potentially suffer as I have. She is fine for the moment, since she is still young. She is intelligent, social, productive, funny… just wonderful. I was fine too at her age. But still, I see the signs. I see me in her. 🙁
@cagedtiger — I’m sure she’ll be fine.
Frumpuccino, I really hope so.
Well, regarding the life insurance thing, we had an agent flat-out tell us that you could kill yourself on this policy and it would pay out. Ever since then, I’ve viewed that as an option. Maybe it wouldn’t actually pay for it. Either way, I still feel like my family would be better off without me. My wife deserves better, and so do my kids.
To cagedtiger, I totally understand that. Seeing all my high school “friends” on Facebook with pictures of their kids and perfect lives makes me so horribly depressed. I feel like my mind is horribly broken because I can’t feel what they feel. I love my kids, but the constant grind of day-to-day life is making me miserable. It’s like I’m in prison. Maybe all these “perfect” people are just lying to themselves.
To Frumpuccino, I’m not much older than you. I never really thought about it from the other perspective before. Though honestly, I couldn’t imagine being envious of people who have kids and responsibility. I have never felt like I had my life together, and all I think about when I look at my kids is how I’m such a fraud, and one day it’s all going to fall apart, and they’ll know what a disservice I’ve done them by being their dad.
I just wish I could go for any length of time without lamenting what could have been. Every choice I’ve made in the last 15 years has been the wrong one.
I really appreciate the comments. I was kinda scared to look at them, but they have helped me.