Just so people know why

I am about to commit suicide.  I know it is selfish and cowardly.  I know that others feel that same that I do and I’m not alone.  I know that I have friends.  I know that there are people that love me.  None of that helps.  None of that changes how I feel.

I’m not going to tell you that I’m worthless.  I’m not capable of doing the things that I would like to, but I’m not worthless.

I don’t even want to die.  I cry and beg and say it out loud every day.  Earlier today I was holding my gun and telling myself how much I didn’t want to die.  I convinced myself to take it apart to “make sure it will work properly.”  That drew my focus long enough to bring me a few ours of reprieve.

I’m so tired.  I fight myself every day.  I battle with my thoughts every day.  I’m not some over-emotional teenager or anything.  I have committed no crimes and I do not intend to physically harm anyone else.

I’m just so tired of fighting myself.  I’m ready to let go.  I’m ready to face whatever it is that is pushing me to this action.  Maybe the title is a bit misleading.  I don’t know entirely why.  I do know that I’m tired.  I used to tell myself that mistakes were OK.  Learning from mistakes was a challenge.  Using that knowledge to do more was always something to look forward to.  These are nice things to tell myself, but once the mistakes began consuming my life and there was nothing but mistakes, I began to desire a stop to the pain of watching the mistakes happen.  I’m focused on trying to make the mistakes not happen.  This is, of course, impossible.

I’m ready.  I’m ready to see what is beyond.  I’m ready to find out that there is nothing beyond.  I’m ready for whatever comes.  Mostly, I’m ready for it to stop.

To my wife:

I’m sorry.  I’m sorry that I was unable to be a better husband.  I’m sorry that I could not help you find the life that you wanted.  I have always tried to give you everything that you wanted.  I bought you the house you wanted in the town you love.  I’m sorry that I could not be more than a provider of these things.  There will be no payments due.  I have arranged for the title to transfer to you.  The car has been paid for and the title is signed and notarized.  It is in my desk drawer.  All taxes and utilities have been paid for approximately one year in advance.  You will be able to do as you wish.

To my friends:

I know that some of you will worry, some of you will blame yourself and think that if you could have only talked to me or been here you could have done something.  The truth is, you couldn’t have.  You can’t spend your life propping me up.  I know that it became burdensome a while ago.  Please, live your life.  Take care of your families.  Please understand that I do not want to die.  I merely want to stop living this life.

I wish there was a way for me to be happy.

At least this way I can stop being sad.

Goodbye.