I have a date to die. In almost three weeks time, I expect to no longer be here. Or at least not exist in my current corporeal state. It’s even entered into my google calendar, though not in overly obvious terms. How morbid is that? Funny enough, since I selected the date last night, I no longer feel “suicidal.” Rather, I feel like a terminally ill patient who has been told his expiration date. I feel I’m marching towards it. I feel there is no longer any choice involved and that’s a relief. I would have to compare it to when a mother is told her baby’s due date. Yes, she decided to have sex, and so in some way chose to have a baby. But once told when the baby will arrive, it’s no longer about choice. That’s just what is going to happen and you have an idea when. And that’s where I am. I have already chosen this. I chose it in those dark moments when I can’t breathe. When I can’t stop crying. When I can’t stop thinking these thoughts. In those moments for the past several years when I can’t stop my heart from desperately racing, trying to reach its final beat. But this I can do. I can choose this because I have had those moments. And because I choose not to have them again. The choose being made, now I just have to endure. To count the days as they pass with me in my fleshy prison until my release date. Until I can have freedom.
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The fact you write this here means you want to be helped and want to be noticed and have your problems solved. I hope you rethink what you’re thinking and start looking for help or someone who would understand, internet is a big place and reality isn’t as scary and dangerous as it seems. Besides, if you want to die, nothing could actually be defined dangerous!
Ive done the same thing. I gave mine a little longer. I said a year. Its been a little over a month now and I’m holding to it. I have a small notebook I keep that has everything I need to take care of before hand. I called around and got pre paid funeral plans. Opted for cremation with no service. Just things to take care of so that when it goes down, some one else doesn’t have to. For what its worth, I’m sorry you’re in pain. I know the feeling. Hopefully things will get better in a couple of weeks and you’ll change your mind. Good Luck.
sorry to intrude, but how does a suicidal person go about prepaid funeral plans? like if you’re fairly young, and say you want to set up a funeral date for yourself, doesn’t that raise some flags? lol sorry if i’m being ignorant, just curious
@ Outrageously — Not everybody who writes on here wants help. If they do they typically mention it in their post… “Help”. Didn’t see that on this one. It’s more of a save the date type vibe I got from this one.
@Kane201 — A year is a good time frame. If you’re going to actually kill yourself you should give yourself plenty of time to plan and prepare.
@ scarredkitty — Well, there are two ways you can go about this. You can lie and say your sick and you don’t want to burden/tell your family about it so you just want to pay/plan now. Really, though, the funeral people I’ve met are like a Used Car Salesman if they can make a quick buck they’ll do it. I don’t think it’s as hard or difficult as you think it might be. Unless you are say… under 18 or not over 21.
I’d get one on crags. List
I know what you mean….Once you set a date….it is a weird but liberating feeling…
The strangest thing about contemplating suicide is the realization that you don’t matter….The sun won’t stop….birds will still chirp…the wind will still blow….basically what I’m getting at is that life goes on….Your folks will grieve the loss….then in 6mo to a year things go back to “normal” as they can be…..
With suicide I don’t think the biggest problem is actually the suicider themselves but the social stigma that comes along with it….When others find out they gossip about you and your family and talk shit…. Think about it….if suicide was socially & religiously acceptable and it didn’t go hand in hand with mental illness I bet it wouldn’t be as hyped and traumatic for survivors as it currently is….
When you commit suicide I realize you are not only killing yourself….but a part of your immediate families social standing in the community….what was once viewed as a “good normal american family” will now be viewed as “that family that the (insert family member here) committed suicide”…..People will have a distorted view about them all because of a choice we made….and I hate that…..
My mother was talking about moving to another state soon anyways so maybe they can avoid that…. I hope they can…..My suicide will be a hard enough gut punch I don’t want any uppercuts and stiff hooks to follow it ….
I don’t think 3 weeks is enough time for all that suicidal planning entails ….
This is just what I think is needed but I mean this is just me to each his/her own though:
-Time to really contemplate all options and if it is really what you want
-Time to throw away all unnecessary items…which is pretty much everything you own except maybe a few clothes and cherished relics so that cleaning afterwords won’t be very difficult for your family
-A well written note (optional) but I just think an explanation at least is better than nothing
-Time to research the best method that you can realistically access…so if you’re broke like me many of the choice methods aren’t available
-An actual plan… Where will you do it?, How will you do it?, When will you do it, etc etc
-If you have anything financial assets you need to decide who gets what and leave a bit for your funeral or cremation etc….
-Time to actually sit on the suicide… to let it sink in…
I found great focus and determination after considering suicide a viable option. But instead of a time limit which could tick down arbitrarily despite what good may occur between now and then, i opted for a criteria to make the final choice of when the time will be. so when my criteria is met and the options have run out, it will basically mean that both friends and family don’t/won’t see any value in offering any assistance … not that i really want their help because it. humiliating to even ask, but still as a last resort, i would do so although i’m quite sure it will be an exercise in futility and nothing but a final humiliation to seal the deal.
But in the mean time, i’m making every practical effort to avoid reaching the criteria that i’ve set … which surprisingly i’ve been able to avoid for well over a year – much longer than i ever expected. Something about knowing what the final answer is has helped me focus and be creative to avoiding the end.
Best wishes
dawg
scarredkitty – Most funeral homes offer planning. Funerals can be expensive and some people make arrangements before hand and pay it off so their loved ones dont have to. I visited a few websites and got direct email quotes. It’s all business. Here is the email I got back from the funeral home.
“Thank you for your interest in Pre-arrangement information. I have worked up an estimate from the information you supplied on our on-line form and I can give you a brief idea of what type of options you would have available for a, Direct Cremation with no services.
Total Price for Direct Cremation…..$4,095.00*
* This amount could change depending on your selections for Optional Items.
For a GUARANTEED Funeral Policy on an individual at age 28 would be:
Single Pay Option………………..$ 4,095.00
3 Year Pay Option………………..$ 104.42 Monthly Automatic payments for 36 months
5 Year Pay Option………………..$ 69.62 Monthly Automatic payments for 60 months
10 Year Pay Option………………$ 45.05 Monthly Automatic payments for 120 months
20 Year Pay Option………………$ 30.71 Monthly Automatic payments for 240 months
There is no penalty for paying off your policy early and there is insurance protection built into these monthly payment amounts. Depending on your answers to the Health Questions You could be covered 100% from the start of your policy so in the case of a death the Insurance could pay off your Funeral Policy in Full.
Just to give you an idea of the future cost of this same Cremation price if you live to be Age 78 at a 5% a year inflation rate your Funeral will cost you $ 48,354.00!!
Please call me if you have any questions or to set up an appointment to Pre-Plan your Funeral and to discuss getting you started today on your policy.”
PainNlife has it right I think. Ive made a list of things that need to be taken care of, or things that Id like to take care of first. I set the time frame of a year because everyone keeps telling me things get better. So far, its all the same. The list gives me something to do in the mean time.