slowly vanishing

it all comes back to me. had a shrink  appt today. that place makes  me tense.  the song and dance basically ended up with the notion that if i had what he called a “community”  my depression would be markedly reduced.  well i used to have one but times and people change.  what it really says is that i am at fault for my current condition. think i have heard this somewhere before.  i will be the first to admit to  my lazy worthlessness.  so then it begs the question why do i self sabotage myself? what is the motive behind it. from where i am today i can tell you those motives run to the darker side. same reason i haven’t been in to see my doctor-why bother if there isn’t likely a long life in store. i have changed. i like being alone. isolating myself was so easy.  detaching .  becoming invisible.