I can’t take it anymore…

My life isn’t getting any better. im 20 yrs old going on 21…
let me start from the begging.

My mother was 22 when she had me, my father had alot of anger issues they weren’t married. when she told him that she was pregnant… grabbed knife and tried to kill us both. he didn’t succeed my mother ran from him till we ended up where we have been the last 19 yrs. My life started in violence.
I was a happy child and didnt mind not haveing a father. But when i turned the age of 5… i was raped by man… My cousin he was 17 at the time. He did it multiple times and all i could do was cry and scream but nobody heard me. Now im 20 going on 21 and i still have nightmares.. but that was just the beginning of the shitty life i have had so far… It haunted me eveyr day as i child and i told nobody… i tried to kill myself 36 times by the age of 8. Then my mother married a man with a drug problem and he made us bankrupt… so i lived very poorly and somedays didn’t eat my mother worked 2 jobs and went to school to be a teacher. my granparents helped raise me. mom divorced that man and married again when i was 12. I gained a stepsister that day. She was 3 yrs older then me.. She started molesting me.. I hated her for it but its the only love and affection i new anymore i thought tht was what love was. I fell in love with her but i hated myself because we were related.. she molested me for 2 yrs. until we got caught.. Then she was thrown out and made to live with her mother. I thought i loved her i dreamed about her i wanted her till i was 17.. i had a lot of problems dating because of that. ..
Death
when i was in middle school one of my best friends flipped his 4 wheeler and died i went to his wake… i had just lost my uncle who i was close to and a few years before his son my cousin whom i cared for dearly
The only father figure in my life was my grandfather.. He got alzeihmers and became horrible we would get in fist fights bcuz he was a grouchy bastard. AT the age of 14 and up i had to help him walk and clean him up when he messed on himself… He called me worthless.. Then i left highschool finally and joined the military… I came home for xmas and i ran to the door bcuz he was dying…i missed him by 30 seconds… i didn’t get to say goodbye i didn’t get to say i love u nothing…
i was at the door looked at him as the light left his eyes.. he was puking up black gunk and chocking to death..
life now:
when i left for training with the miltary my mother started drinking…i came home to a violent alcoholic.. i have had to choke her out and carry her 2 bed the last 3 years.. she is better now.. bu i will never forget the night she tried to stab me with a kitchen knife… i disarmed her put her in a rear naked choke till she went to sleep and i put her in bed… i slept with my door locked from then on..
i decided to stay military reserve bcuz i had nobody to take care of my grandma i see her everyday and take care of her she missed my grandfather very dearly they were married for 46 yrs..
My mom is getting divorced and living with a fellow alcoholic redneck now.. She is leaving me the house..
what im doing now:l
Im trying to stay positive through all of this i have kept my head up did well in school i became drummajor of the band i am an accomplished martial artist. and an amateur boxer now.. i lost alot of weight and became really fit. im up for promotion as a Sargeant in the miltary reserve… but im about to lose it all bcuz of a mistake..

i went to an old friends house these to women that also helped raise me… They left me alone with their grandaughter and her friend…
I have issues still i can’t fight back when im in a molestive situation i freeze up and just go with it..
these 2 girls blind folded me and held me down and did things to me… just like my sister did all over again it reminded me so much of her… they took pictures of me
I never touched them in that way i just layed there and went with just like with my cousin and sister..
When i got home that night i cut myself 14 times on my shoulder…i thought about hanging myself…
i didn’t i have obligation to people and duties 2 perform i can’t take the easy way out yet..
They black mailed me for a while then i thought it blew over…
i dream about that night i dream about my sister now and the rape it haunts me.. i have panic attacks just like when i was a kid..
I admitted to them that i liked it as disgusting as i feel.
Now they are calling me a pervert and threatening to put me in jail…they are underaged…Im 20 nobody would every believe i got taken advantage of like that…i tried to leave when they started trying to strip me…they threatened to tell there parents i tried to rape them if i didn’t cooperate… its my word against theirs.. i wasn’t going to win… so i just let them do whatever they wanted…
recap:
i’m probably going to lose everything i worked so hard for…my career, my family, my life, everything. i see no point in living anymore…. i can never win..
everytime something starts to get better… something horrible ruins it… i can’t stop thinking about just cutting my wrist or strangling myself with a noose…i wanna die slow and horrible…i feel thats what i deserve.. i want a horrible and painful death…i want it all to end. I want to starve myself until i die.. i want somebody to beat me like a dog with a hammer until i stop breathing i can’t take it all anymore… struggling through all this just to lose the somewhat happy life i have built for myself….. I don’t know what to do…i feel like a worthless person and a blight on the planet and i should be extinguished…if it goes to court…ill kill myself before i drag myself in there…

I can’t win…i coudn’t fight back once again and now i am probably going to jail for letting them do whatever they wanted to me…