It’s too late to fix, it’s over now.

I am a senior in high school and we are a few months into the year already.  I’m not sure what to do because I have been depressed since the end of freshman year and can’t move on with my life.

Let me start of by giving you background info about my life.  My family on both my mom and dad’s side are all alcoholics.  I mostly grew up around my mom’s side of the family though.  All of my uncles drank then and still drink now and my grandfather recently had to stop because he liver was failing, he fortunately has a few more years with us.  My mom and dad fight all the time and I argue with my brothers a lot.  We all love each other deep down but we have trouble showing it some of the time.

Jumping forward to my middle school experience, I had an ok time.  I still felt sort of alone and played computer games instead of going to any friend’s houses.  I think I went to a friend’s house like once but that’s beside the point.  Anyways I always felt sort of like a loser and I didn’t really fit in anywhere.  I was never really happy with the friends I had and too be honest I took them for granted now that I think about it.

Fast forward to my freshman year in high school, to say in the least it was a strange but exciting time.  Everything had just changed and I met a lot of wonderful people.  Still had an awkward problem, specifically when trying to find people to eat lunch with, etc.  I met a boy too in a class I had.  He had to sit next to me but a lot of stuff happened every once in a while.  We didn’t really talk much but he was a very touchy feely kind of person.  So when he and his friend would joke around with me, he would try and make me laugh by tickling me and doing all sorts of stuff to make me smile.  I liked him from the first moment I saw him and the thought of him treating me as if I mattered really meant something to me.  Later on in the year he actually laid his head on my shoulder and I remember it being one of the best moments of my life.  Nobody had done anything like that, I didn’t make it easy for anyone to do something like that to begin with, but he did it.  He did stuff like that, all the way up to our finals on the very last day I saw him that year.

Unfortunately the seeds of my depression were already set in motion a month or two before that.  I stopped eating lunch all together because I never talked when I sat at the table with other people I wanted to be around.  I just never had much to say, was always thinking about stuff but never anything I wanted to share with anyone.  I have some pretty big trust issues and my family has always been different from the families down in this town anyways.  I started going to the library a lot and never ate.  I was usually really hungry by the end of the day but I would do anything to not have to eat lunch and either sit by myself or sit and not talk to anyone I was around.  That went on for several years until I broke that cycle after the first few weeks of my senior year.  I eat alone now facing away from all the people so I don’t have to worry about them.  I still get anxious some times and can’t muster up the courage to do it if I am having a bad day, but for the most part I am just glad to be eating again.

After freshman year the boy I mentioned sort of disappeared and turned into another face in the hallways.  I alienated him by making him feel uncomfortable with looking away, and just acting awkward, like I did with everyone I used to know on some level.  Now nobody wants anything to do with me.  Even today I saw him with his friends when I was waiting to be picked up, and I could have been a ghost because it was like I didn’t exist.  I understand why though.  Everyone outgrew me.  They have there own vehicles and friends they want to be around, including the boy I really fell in love with.  They go to school sports games like football, but I have never even been to one.  I would like to go but I am sure there is no one who would want me to be around.  After all I just make people uncomfortable.

He meant everything to me and now I am just coming to terms that he is most likely straight and even if he wasn’t, the chances of him liking me are zero.  Even if he did, I alienated all of his friends and made them feel awful too.  My low self esteem cost me all the relationships I used to have, although they weren’t very strong to begin with.  Even if he did want me, I would just become more depressed from the fact that he was gay and obviously did everything right and I did everything wrong.  I am nothing.  Nothing good can come from any of this.  The only option for me is to move on from high school and try to have a normal life somewhere else.  But I can’t because I have barely pushed on for these last few months and I still have so many to go.

Should I go to my school councilor or something?  Will that help?  Because the only other option right now is suicide and I don’t want to die a painful death from overdose.  But I am very, very, very close.