While there’s a lot of other things going on in my head right now, I have to get this out. In a way I wish this really was a letter to you. You nine sided whore. but then I would have to speak to you, to look at you, and I can’t stand to even think about you. Your lies, your games, your betrayal.
The worst part is I really never saw it coming. I loved you, and you were one of my closest friends. I have known you for so long, held you through so many disasters… I really thought I knew you… But all the while you were this monster in disguise, trying to consume me. and still yet I cannot erase you from my thoughts.
On some issues, I am a man of few words. But not in this. Never in this. All I can think or feel now, when you cross my mind- and don’t you always cross my mind- is words. I turn into a fountain, a river, I am spilling over with words for you. and I keep coming back to one, at the end of every spear headed sentence. You are poisonous. Poison.
And I should have seen it, I guess, when I met you all those years ago. I do not know why I can’t get you out of my thoughts, because everything I remember now is bitter. Thoughts I once cherish I can now see were false. You were using me, for years. Every time I spoke, or held your hand, you were waiting to speak, or waiting to leave. When your friends abandoned you, I should have heard warning bells, but I stuck by you. I believed you loved me. I did. but you were waiting all the while till you could drop me, forget me and try to poison someone else. And in the turmoil of our inevitable downfall, you involved my family. You tried to poison even them, to turn them against me. To hurt my kid sister, my kid brother. To make my mother question me. You poisoned me in the thoughts of my friends. It is alright, for they all now see you for what you are. I just wonder how you could do it, how you could dare try to take someones family, to involve my little sister in your alcoholism and drug abuse. How could you? To hurt me? Where, in even the warped mind of the devil himself, would such a thing cross anyone’s mind? She is just a kid. God knows what else you did to her. But I wont let you hurt anyone else I care about. You’re out of my life, and out of theirs.
So why does it hurt? When I walked out, angry and confused, after more lies, after you laughed in my face, after you made me feel so small, so pathetic… It would be nice if you had tried to make me stay. If you had talked to me. If you had tried. But after I left, I was nothing to you, and you’ve moved onto some other poor bastard. No matter what he’s done, in this life or any other, he doesn’t deserve what you will do to him.
I so want to scream at you. I would never hit a woman, but if I ever saw you again by God I would have to restrain myself. and after all this, after all these words, pages and pages, it still wont go away. I need closure. Whats funny, though, is that if you ever saw this, you would laugh, laugh yourself to tears. because that’s what you desire most of all. Not to be loved, but to be unforgettable. to drag people to your animal level and leave them crippled and screaming your name. You believe no one can forget you. and believe me, by god I wish I could. I want to be rid of you. I wish I had never met you. You possess and rape my thoughts and all it does is make me more and more… inert. like I’m floating in a sea of raw anger.
Let me tell you, Devil Child. you are NOT unforgettable. You are Nothing. you are a deceiving manipulative wretch. A dishonest Hag. You may be beautiful but three layers of skin down, you are ugly. You have an ugly heart and an ugly, poisoned soul. YOU are the personification of all the things I hate in this world. You have no conscience. No Love. Soon, everyone will know it, once you have hurt them, which you inevitably will. You can’t help yourself. You’ll be all alone, with no one to blame but yourself.
I hate what you are, what you have become. What you do to people. You are less of a woman and more of a pestilence. A corruption. I Hate you so much I can hardly breathe. And you do not deserve that. You deserve to be forgotten.
I need to be free from you. I need to be free from the intangible mess you have made of my life. The hatred you have rekindled in me. The rage. I thought I was free of this all but the cycle repeats itself. It is never over. People turn on People, the serpent eats its own tail. and here I am again. Hating, Numb, Raw and Bleeding. Wishing to god I had died before I met you.
3 comments
I read your whole post. You in a lot of pain now. Heed this warning–she may try to come back to you. Stay away from her at all costs!! Tincture of Time. In time you will heal,,,but I know it must seem like eternity for this to happen–but it will. She is alcoholic and a drug abuser–this may explain some of her meanness. Another warning for you—do not drink or use drugs to try to forget her or she wins!! Stay the hell away from her, you do well in life and her life will probably do downhill due to alcohol and drugs. Stay healthy mentally, physically and spiritually and this too shall pass.
Best of Luck!!!
To the Homer of Hate, this is your own message to yourself:
“Let me tell you, Devil Child. you are NOT unforgettable. You are Nothing. you are a deceiving manipulative wretch. A dishonest Hag. You may be beautiful but three layers of skin down, you are ugly. You have an ugly heart and an ugly, poisoned soul. YOU are the personification of all the things I hate in this world. You have no conscience. No Love. Soon, everyone will know it, once you have hurt them, which you inevitably will. You can’t help yourself. You’ll be all alone, with no one to blame but yourself.”
If you realized that hatred does not leave you, it is not laid on someone else without “blow back,” it is not something you can use AND avoid, you might at least want to find some mercy in yourself.
1 John” 9 Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister[b] is still in the darkness. 10 Anyone who loves their brother and sister[c] lives in the light, and there is nothing in them to make them stumble. 11 But anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness. They do not know where they are going, because the darkness has blinded them.
Believe me, I really would prefer not to hate her. I would prefer to feel nothing. She had no mercy, either. I just want to be free from all of this. It’s all well and good to say I should not hate, but what man has control enough to decide that? If I could tell myself not to feel, I would. but then I wouldn’t be here. Would I? She is that darkness. She seems inhuman and alien to me. I want to be able to forgive her. But she would not notice, or care, and in the end, it would only be a selfish act. If I could purge this from me I would. I would purge myself of everything. I am sick of all of it. Sick of the mess she has left me with. She had no mercy in her heart for me. No mercy for my family. No goodness at all. I cannot fathom this. I invited her into my home, I let her meet the people I hold closest to my heart. I blame myself. I should never have let her in. After what she did to my kid sister… I don’t know what I want to say. I don’t know why I am here. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I just want it all to be over. I am sick of hating, sick of feeling, and sick of punishing myself. It never ends.