It is clear that neither of us want to hurt ourselves, still, one way or the other, that’s pretty much inevitable when you live in a world of randomness and constant change. I want to die, but I don’t want to hurt myself, that’s the dilemma. Well, actually it isn’t. Whatever I choose, life or death, I’m going to end up hurting myself. Once you realize that, you can face suicide like the last sickness you are gonna get. The only difference this time, is that you intentionally go after it. But really, there’s no much difference on waiting for it while you keep living, the hurt is going to get you. I know that if I keep living, sooner or later I will get sick. Not once, many times. Sometimes I’m gonna suffer like hell, and probably wish I had faced the sickness of my choosing when I had the time. But no, I will have to suffer whatever nature chooses for me to endure, cancer, parkinson… We can think of suicide, as a condensed disease, as an anticipation of all diseases we have coming our way. Suffer it all at once, doesn’t seem like the “reasonable” choice, rather like torture. But for some us, who have boring uninteresting lives, the long run seems like the worst torture of all. Torture definition is subjective of course. I rather have my fingers cut off, than living till I’m 80, not a hyperbole.
Why is all of this important? Well, because we have a particular mindset that demands fairness or reason to things, like creating gods to balance out all this shity business with the idea of some comfy cloud bed waiting for us in paradise. But trying to bring fairness or reason to the business of life, only helps in paralizing us. Most of us spent years waiting for life to bring some balance, some reason, but sadly, that day will never come. So, understanding that whatever you do, the hurt will always get to you, helps you to avoid getting paralized, helps you choose better. Paradise or redemption are not an option. You can choose when or how to pay, or wait for the bank to come and collect someday, but I’m sorry, they will never forgive the debt.
Also, beware of the interests, they can eat you alive, that’s what happened to me at least. Someone signed a pretty shity contract on my behalf.
Living is also dying, there’s no real difference. Don’t fool yourselves thinking that by choosing “to live”, you are doing anything different than choosing “to die”, you can only choose transformation, stability is not an option. And whether you set yourself to transform for a “long” period of time, or for a short term, you will be always transforming towards death.