So this is my first post on this board. I’ll start by stating that I am not going to even edit this. I’m just going to speak straight from my extremely damaged heart. I often wonder, how many of you are like me? I mean I’m here because yeah, I have thought about suicide. I continue contemplating it.
Why is it that “good people” want to take their own lives? And why is it that society and others are so quick to judge those who have attempted or do commit suicide? Don’t they understand the amount of pain and torment one goes through for them to get to the point to take their own life? Religious people frown upon it and would autormatically condemn you to hell. They’ll say “It is never forgiven. You shall go to hell!” Oh yeah? Did they have coffee with God and discuss philosophy? And if this is the case, why would God want to put people (especially the good ones) through utter emotional and/or physical misery? Then other people will say, “How selfish of them!” or “That was a cowardly way to go out!” Really? I don’t think it makes somebody a coward to face death on their own terms. Also, selfish? Selfish is for people to be so apathetic about the individual who contemplated suicide to begin with! It takes a whole hell of a lot for anybody to ever take their own life.
Every time I hear about a suicide, I’ve heard families and friends discuss that individual and their characteristics. They’ll say things like “I just don’t understand! They were such a nice person! They loved their family and friends. They were so good with this or that. Why would they do that?” Well, let me tell you why. For those who will never understand.
It’s because we’re heartbroken. We’ve lost hope. We feel as if we no longer wish to exist in this absolutely corrupt world. We try and we try. We feel absolutely invisible. We are always so willing to think of others, showing kindness and generally some level of sacrifice for others, definitely always compromise. But do others for us? Nope. We’re so honest and loyal. Then guess what? In return, people betray us, over and over. We’re constantly lied to. We’re empathetic and give too much of a damn about everything! We are mocked, ridiculed, and completely misunderstood and labeled as overly-emotional! We can’t take it anymore! It catches up with us. We are exhausted. Did I mention heartbreak? I cannot even fully express the definition of heartbreak which consumes our souls. The stream of tears and constant suffering is overwhelming. Then we eventually come to the hardest decision ever. How do we attempt suicide? Don’t think that we aren’t “thinking of others” when we contemplate all this. (Again, always thinking of others, because that’s really what we do and probably why half of the people end up committing suicide.)
Even as I write this, my tears can never cease. The thoughts continue to loom. I don’t want to suffer anymore. I have suffered enough. I am in constant emotional anguish and have a rare illness. Actually, I believe in God. I have prayed to God many times. I don’t have any mental illnesses. (I have doctors.)
So my brethren, the fallen, the angels the world tormented…I ask you to come to my call.
Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
May my seraph wings
grace death’s lust.