I want to be free…

Most of my life I was never a fan of myself and my life. Anxeity and depression secretly ruled it even beyond my own knowledge.  17 was the beginning of my downfall.  Had little to no friends despite moving back to where I grew up. I changed for the worse…  Couldn’t just be me.  My friends wern’t interested in that person and I really don’t blame them.  I couldn’t be me because I was too busy feeding what would eventually be my eating disorder.  A girl I was getting close to changed when I admitted this to her.  She never talked to me the same again.  Didn’t trust me.  I couldn’t be the real me around her either.  The eating disorder put me in a position where I didn’t know how to act, didn’t know how to handle it.  Another girl I knew around the same time I ditched because I didn’t want the pain that the other girl gave me.  I still feel bad about it.  So by 2008 my three year long drepession began.  I dropped out of school and just wanted to lose weight. Soon after attempting for my first time I fell in love with my “one.”  We were more then close.  We wanted to get better together.  Both work on ourselfs positively to defeat our eating disorders.  Things were hard but she kept me going.  I thought we were one forever… until she started to betray me.  She eventually cheated on me.  She was secretly into another guy for a month and had second thoughts about being with me for even months earlier.  She ditched me and ignored me for months in between with excuses and apologies.  Ditched our so called one year anniversary.  When she left I was lower then low.  Pissed beyond belief. Hurt… I went to recovery for my ED this being my last chance.  Things were actually going good… until my “one” contacted me.  She wanted to let me know she was going to recovery and I was pissed.  Turns out that guy she left me with slept with her and broke up with her with some girl that guy really wanted.  I just wanted to move on from her and now here she is.  After some talking we agreed to let ourself’s finish recovery first.  Threw deep thought I knew I couldn’t get over what she did to me.  We wern’t gonna work as much as I wanted us to.  Then something else happened… I obtained what is called Tinnitus.  I think I’ve actually had it all my life but it was here that it got much much worse.  It absolutely terrified me.  I didn’t know what to do so I messaged her while in recovery.  My mind was able to forgive and forget.  Something I don’t do often.  Tinnitus is not cancer but it scared me so much I was willing to move on.  Just one more thing to add to my imperfection.  We eventually got back together and I loved it.  I did still feel she was my one and only.  But this relationship, it was a long distance relationship and to try and make this story as short as I can, she couldn’t handle my issues and she wasen’t willing to wait for me anymore.  She wanted someone there for her now.  She thought I was too negitive and she didn’t believe in me.  My OCD didn’t help my moods. My obsessive thoughts are hell to me and apperently a fustration to her and even though I could handle her bi polar and her issues, as I said she couldn’t handle my own.  So she left me again and I was a mess, again.  This time it was so much harder. I couldn’t get over her. My mind only had thoughts of her. All day, all night. EVERYTHING was her.  I tried to commit again for the first time since before her and I were a couple.  When I was in the hospital, I called her and told her.  Her response was,”OMFG.” and hanging up the phone and changing her number leaving me to die.  You want to talk about feeling like less then shit… This was the so called love of my life.  I practically begged for her back like the pathetic and weak person I have now become.  She took me back eventually but it only lead to more pain from her that I did the one thing I knew how to do.  Actually leave her.  Leave her to protect myself.  She met someone who I knew she was gonna get close to and when she got mad at me for something I still don’t really know why (a conversation), she stopped talking to me.  She runs away when she can’t handle things.  I tried to move on.  Meet people and be in a relationship with others but… I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. I wanted her.  I tried to be her friend but I just can’t.  Too much pain and betrayal and I can’t handle her with another guy.  My love with another…  So now my OCD haunts me and only allows me to think of her.  I care for someone who has mentally destroyed me and crushed my heart.  This hell is unbearable.  I have become practically a stalker cause I can’t stop contacting her when I become engulfed in my own emotions.  I told her to ignore me but I can’t keep bothering her.  All of this is the span of 6 years.  The only answer I see is death. I honestly feel I should not have been born.  I’ve always been a mess one way or the other and I can’t handle any more issues.  I’m a loser with nothing.  Anxeity, depression, Eating disorder, Tinntius… I refuse to deal with heartbreak again.  I can’t handle it.  I just want to be able to die with as less pain as possible.

I want to be free…